Barstool's KBNoSwag's Perfect Protocol vs. A Star School Teacher's Reliable Regimen

Lauren Barrett

My brother Kyle and I have always shared similar interests.

There's only one difference. 

He tends to take these said interests and go a little, how should I say it, obsessive. 

I first had a love for sports and geography. 

But then Kyle took to wrestling at the spry age of 6 and my delts and lats were no match for his when my dad made us tussle (true story). And soon after, woe is me, my knowledge of delts and lats* were no match to his photographic knowledge of the atlas when my mom made us scrimmage on roadtrips (true story). 

I had a respectable 9/11 period where I read tons of books, watched a lot of documentaries, and did a Social Studies Fair Project judged by Mr. Baum where I earned superior and placed in the top 3, but I was ̶t̶w̶o̶ ̶t̶o̶w̶e̶r̶e̶d̶  too coward to ever make mine a public bit. "̶M̶o̶h̶a̶m̶e̶d̶ atta boy, Kyle, way to be brave and hijack this knowledge from me."**

I had a memorize oddly specific facts phase when I spent a summer memorizing my Latin vocabulary, so I could impress my 8th grade class when our priest/teacher quizzed us at the beginning of the school year and he was so in awe that he exempted me from the test and then I said "Veni, Vidi, Vici" and the whole class laughed (True story except when everyone laughed). 

Kyle took it a little further by spending a day memorizing bachelorette and bachelor occupations to win a trivia competition for thousands of viewers which makes my Latin triumphum in front of 21 parochial school students pale in comparison.

I guess I'm just missing some piece of the puzzle that Kyle has.

HOWEVER....

There is one thing that Kyle is trying to outdo, Exploit. And everyone just thinks it is soooo funny.

But it really grinds my gears. Sticks in my craw. It really ruffles my feathers. Boils my blood. Gets under my skin. 

I will not allow him to upscond this from me.  ​


*How Geography Bee Phenoms say deltas and latitudes
**I didn't feel good about making 9/11 jokes. I'm sorry. 

Protocols and Regimens

I have long been a lover of protocols and regimens. 

It's kind of been my thing (flips hair). 

I unironically wrote a 30 Day Challenge that is a protocol on steroids and not meant to be humorous at all (and actually would probably be pretty cringe to go back and read now). Don't buy it. Seriously, this isn't a sales tactic (or is it??). No, seriously, don't buy it. I have a lot better advice now. 

But since developing that challenge, I have had a lot more life experiences under my belt. To be fair, Kyle has too. 

Our mom died...

And not that us Bauers would ever be so crass as to turn our mother's death into a competition of Who is Coping Better...

But...

If we did, I'd let you be the judge of who is winning. 

Let's just say one of us is melting down over chicken sliders, chugging champagne, distracting himself (or herself) with studying oddly specific NFL facts, telling his (her) sibling that he has trained himself (herself) to look at treats such as donuts and cookies with disgust, and going through protocols like Francis goes through the thesaurus (hey-ohhh)***

While the other is attending bereavement support groups with 80 year old ladies, journaling in a grief therapy workbook, reading in hammocks as she (or he) soaks in the parcels of sun on her (or his) face and stares up at the endless sky, contemplating life, and strolling through gardens to literally stop and smell the flowers while giving thanks for the many blessings she (or he) still has. 

So...

I'll let you be the judge of whose daily procedure you would like to follow. 

Side note: I don't know how sensitive you all are yet. I'm still gauging, but I'm starting to think you are not nearly delicate as the comment section of a parenting post about Cocomelon. But, in case you are, this is a joke. We are not making my mom's death a competition. Kyle and I are very much connected and united throughout all of this. Read here on how everyone grieves differently.

***Just kidding I really like Francis, and I go through the thesaurus too. 

Kyle's Perfect Protocol

To recap here is Kyle's Perfection Protocol: Gen 1. 

I believe he's on Gen 6-7 now. Just sayin'

​My Reliable Regimen

While Kyle's protocol might be cute and silly and give everyone a good hearty chuckle, my regimen is reliable. 

My regimen is a necessity.

You need this remedy.

It's like Old Faithful of Yosemite.

I've been following it for years in all it's entity. 

And Just like Wheeling, West Virginia my regimen only needs one Generation - any more is an absurdity. ****

RELIABLE REGIMEN
(*meals and general hygiene not included but should generally elicit moderate pleasure with room for extreme pleasure every now and then. At least one meal and one general hygiene activity should require your undivided attention without any external stimuli distracting you from every bite, chew, and water droplet touching your skin)

(*build in time-ins too if you have children)

MORNING
6:00-6:30 Wake up Morning Routine
*I wake up when my body wakes me up. If you don't have the luxury of being on a short leave from work because your mom died and have to get up at a specific time, set your alarm for 5 minutes before you have to get up. 

-Whatever you do, do NOT reach for your phone first thing.

-Spend 5 minutes in gratitude. List four things you are thankful for. Make them different every day for a month. After a month, you may reuse. Write down if you have to. 

-Reach for your phone. Do NOT check email. 

-Commence Brain Activity Games in this order: 

• Quizl - immediately send your results to someone. Give no context. 
• Daily Dozen - immediately send your results to someone. Give no context. 
• Wordle - do not send results, no matter how well you do. 
• Mini NYT crossword - anything over 1:00 is failure. Do better tomorrow. 
• NYT Spelling Bee
• NYT Connections. 
• PAUSE here to adjust posture and hand position.
• Quordle
• Octordle 
• Contexto - send results to someone. 

-2 minute hug for oxytocin and endorphin release. 

-Drink one glass of water before breakfast. 

-25 minute run or light jaunt outside in spectrum of rays.
            (do not call them parcels)
           (can listen to music or podcast but do not put headphones in ears to protect your ears                   from noise exposure and to allow yourself to hear outside sounds for pleasure and safety)
           (Fridays and Sundays are rest days)

-10 minutes of stretching

-6 minutes of ab work 2-3x a week

-Set reminder for 10:30 AM to promptly do 6 minutes of additional neck stretching even if you are teaching in front of students. 

-If you have lost a loved one, pause here to talk aloud to them and slightly chastise them for dying. "It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining. The birds are chirping! The leaves are changing! The air is getting crisp! My mom is dead. [Gasps] My mom is dead! Dammit, Mom. It was totally NOT cool of you to die. Really whack. What's that? Okay, fine, Mom. I take it back. Love you."

AFTERNOON

-The rest of the day should include at least 25 minutes of reading, 25 minutes of writing or another creative outlet, and one podcast that will make you laugh. 

-10-15 minutes of training the next person in your coaching tree to become elite in geography. Right now we are doing U.S.A. map work with my 4-year old son. 

-Social Media usage is only allowed on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday from 8:00 AM-9:00 PM but you should spend no more than 10-15 minutes on app at atime to allow your eyes a break. 

-On non-social media days allow yourself to look through photos to strengthen memory and relationships.

-On non-social media days spend 15-20 minutes planning one small fun activity for the week and one bigger fun activity for the next month. 

-Pick one person to send a "Hi, checking in." text.

EVENING
-Talk to neighbors. Neighbor connection is important. 

-Call your mom or dad. 

-Kiss or hug partner for 6 seconds even if they hate it. 

-8PM spend quality time making forced conversation with your partner even if they hate it. 
          Set reminder on phone for 8PM sharp
          Bring talking points to the conversation

-9PM no more phone. 

-9:05 PM practice Worst Fantasy Technique for 30 minutes. 

-Read or watch TV until ready for bed. 

BEDTIME

****Yes, both Kyle and I went through an unfortunate making up raps phases

In All Seriousness

I always like to end on a serious tone. 

I really like helping people become happy, productive, and panic free throughout their day and life in order to be the best version of themselves. 

Part of my job is teaching social-emotional skills and building a solid day is an important part of it. ​

Kyle's Perfect Protocol, although funny and unattainable, has a lot of good aspects to it and sometimes we like to swap tips. 

Two years ago I had some health conditions that led to a battle with insomnia and intense anxiety, which was awful during the worst of it. 

With hard work (or maybe lack of work depending on how you look at it) and rewiring my brain, I have no more troubles with sleep and no more panic and only the good kind of anxiety. 

My goal now is to become a certified sleep and anxiety coach and as part of that I developed a mini STRESS FREE SLEEP email course. 

​I highly suggest checking it out if you struggle with sleep and panic. 

Buy me a coffee if you liked this blog. 
​
And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments. ​

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Lauren Barrett is a multi-passionate mom working to help all parents become their best selves and build positive relationships with their kids through mindful parenting. She has a degree in deaf education and a Master’s in Reading Education. She is a high school teacher of the Deaf and hard-of-hearing by day, a cross country coach by the afternoon, a writer/author by her son's nap times, and a full time mom to an amazing 4-year old. Lauren is a 3x author of the Add One-A-Day 30 Day Challenge, children's book, Henry's Hiccups, and parenting guide Now What? Mindful Checklists for Life's Hard Parenting Moments, a blogger at Lauren Barrett Writes, and has been published on sites like A Fine Parent, Pregnant Chicken, Pop Sugar, Her View From Home, and Scary Mommy.  She loves her faith, running, visiting MLB stadiums with her husband, chocolate, scrapbooking, pretending she would actually do well on the Amazing Race, re-watching The Office, listening to Bobby Bones, and helping out all moms. She lives in North Carolina with her husband, James, and son, Henry. Follow her on Instagram at @laurenbarrettwrites, and get her free guide on what to do during the middle of a tantrum. ​