It's raining Blenders, toasters, and bath towels

It doesn't bode well for the wedding when you're nervous about the bridal shower due to the  amount of attention you'll receive when opening the gifts. Yep, I was anxious days before the event even arrived. After all, all of these people I loved were taking time out of their days to "shower" me with love and gifts. I wanted to make sure I displayed the appropriate amount of enthusiasm when I unwrapped their presents, no matter how mundane the item may be. Therefore, being one who is always well prepared, I practiced changing my facial expressions, varying the pitch and tone of my voice to sound authentic, and responding with humorous quips to each unique gift. In all my wisdom and experience, I have gathered for all of those people who go through life rather awkwardly like me some advice on handling showers and other social gatherings that center around you.

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Tips for being the center of attention
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Hello, yes, I'm talking to you, the one standing in the corner. I know how you feel. At most social events, I often skulk to where the food is and pretend that I am just fixing my plate (for the hundredth time) while making light conversation with whomever is around, or I obscurely stand near a group of people and laugh whenever they do. However, there will come a time in your life when the unavoidable happens. You will be the center of attention. Whether this be a wedding, surprise birthday (the worst), Bar Mitzvah, retirement party, or when you find yourself singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in front of family and friends, you must have a toolkit on how to succeed with being the main event, the focal point, and the heart of everyone's love and affection. So with further ado...

1.) Write down some small talk topics on index cards. Make sure they are small enough to fit in a pocket or purse. Pull them out if you get stuck. Topics can include, but are not limited to, the following: the weather, sports, the food, work, entertainment, current events, and the always debatable question of "Who would win in a fight? A taco or a grilled cheese sandwich."  Casually make a joke about using the notecards. This shtick works best when you make it very obvious that you are a very awkward person, and you talk in a monotone voice while making fleeting eye contact. This a win because everyone will think you are being funny, but really your life depends on those notecards. 

2.) Lightly touch everyone you encounter, so he or she feels special. People especially enjoy when you caress their face or repeatedly rub their arm. 

3.) Do not linger on one person for too long. You want to make sure you divide your attention equally among all guests. A good rule of thumb is to spend no more than three minutes with each guest. It is crucial that once 3:01 rolls around, that you exit the conversation immediately, or the other attendees will become jealous. What I like to do is start my watch secretly when I approach a partygoer. Every so often, I will "scratch" my nose while glancing at the time. Yes, this does jeopardize your listening abilities, but that's the price you have to pay to make sure everyone has his or her fair share of your time. 

4.) If the particular party requires you to open gifts, have a go-to line that you can toss around. "Thanks, I really needs this," works well. Say this phrase after each gift number that is a prime number (2, 3, 5, 7, 11) so as not to appear robotic and repetitive. For every other gift, just repeat what the item is in an excited voice followed by an interjection. For example, "Hand towels! Wow! Thanks!" or "Utensils! Gee wiz! Thanks!" For a list of interjections visit this website. Problem solved.

5.) Lastly, designate a person who will permanently or temporarily relieve you from all the attention. This strategy can work in a number of ways. Make sure that friend who can't handle her alcohol has plenty to drink. Discreetly bring up a political topic in which your loud aunt is very passionate. Inconspicuously bump into your mom, so she spills everything she is holding. Whichever plan of action you choose, sit back and relish in the fact that now you are once again flying under the radar. Don't get too comfortable, though, for these situations have a way of unfortunately working themselves out. In that case, see #1, #2, and #3. 

Now, my companion, you are a pro at handling public events. You are a regular socialite. Following these tips will guarantee to leave an impression on all of your guests and have you basking in the limelight. You're welcome.