Running. Writing. Reading. Traveling. Scrapbooking. Yoga. Volunteering. Those were some of my many passions and hobbies in life that gave me great fulfillment prior to having a baby. I nourished each one of those on the regular. 

By the time my son was born, I was down to reading and doing something that might be called running (but was more like shuffling) from my List of Passions. Oh, and shoveling food down my face with one hand if that counts. 

As a new mom, I knew that life would be altered once I had a baby. I fully expected that I would have to give up some of the hobbies that I so enjoyed before, and I was okay with that. I threw myself into motherhood with all the zest and joy I had for my other passions. 

What I didn’t expect was the mental load. It made me bitter. It made me feel as if I was carrying the weight of this new baby all on my shoulders. 

Why were there so many decisions to make and why did I feel as if I were the one making them all?

Mental load consumed my thoughts throughout the day and left me run ragged at night with little or no time for myself. I was floundering. 

After a few months in, I knew something had to change. I knew I had to reclaim my Unicorn Space.

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At the time, I didn’t know that Unicorn Space was the term for what I so desperately craved in life. 

But then I read it in Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play. And it made perfect sense. It completely justified everything I had been feeling, thinking, and saying. 

Your Unicorn Space is something special just for you. It brings your joy. It fills up your cup. It ignites your passion. It gives you purpose. 

Every human has a desire and need for their Unicorn Space. It’s right there in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs labeled as Esteem Need and then finally rising to Self-Actualization. 

We all deserve the time to nurture our Unicorn Space, granted that our basic needs and the needs of those around us are being met. 

Your Unicorn Space can be paid or unpaid. Your job or something else. It can fall into one of these categories: 

• Hands - Crafting, Cooking, Baking, Drawing, Painting
• Heart (Connection) - Volunteering, Charity Work, Traveling, Civic Engagement
• Heart (Pumping) - Skydiving, Skiing, Cycling, Surfing
• Head - Speaking, Writing, Teaching, Being an influencer
• Higher - Church, Meditation, Spiritual Teaching, Synagogue 

Whatever you choose, you then should have a fair amount of time to grow and sustain your Unicorn Space

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Mental load in motherhood can look like many things, but basically it is all those tiny, seemingly invisible things that all together help run a household smoothly. 

Mental load disproportionately falls on the shoulders of moms in a typical household. 

It's the remembering everything, having a running to-do list in your head, multitasking, organizing, planning, refilling, reminding, and fixing that happens all day everyday. 

Here are the statistics: 

• 69% of working moms say their household responsibilities create a mental load.
• 52% of them are burnt out from it all.
• Nearly 30% of working mothers said they do the bulk of the household chores.
• 84% of stay-at-home moms don’t get a break from parenting after their partner comes home.
• 69% of mothers say they devote 5 or more hours a day to child/household duties.

And some of them are grim. 

• Research shows that when 60% or more of the parenting responsibilities fall to mom, the relationship between mom and dad suffers.

But some of them are reassuring. 

• The good news is that modern dads are spending 3x as much time with their children than dads two generations ago and are helping out more.​​
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And some of them are critical

• One of the number one things Moms can do to relieve their mental load is to talk about it and delegate with their partners and make time for themselves. 

I was fascinated with mental load after having a baby. I researched and wrote about it. I talked about it with my husband ad nauseum. 

Why were moms more often than not the victims of it? Were men just immune to mental load? Were they biologically incapable of experiencing it? 

Then, I discovered Fair Play. And I proposed a game with James. 

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But first, what is Fair Play? Fair Play is a book written by Eve Rodsky. The book also inspired a card game to play with your partner

Taken straight from Fair Play’s website: 

Tired of being the “she-fault” parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household, Eve Rodsky counted up all the unpaid, invisible work she was doing for her family—and then sent that list to her husband, asking for things to change. His response was . . . underwhelming. Rodsky realized that simply identifying the issue of unequal labor on the home front wasn’t enough: She needed a solution to this universal problem. Her sanity, identity, career, and marriage depended on it.

The result is Fair Play: a time-and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities. Rodsky interviewed more than five hundred men and women from all walks of life to figure out what the invisible work in a family actually entails and how to get it all done efficiently. With four easy-to-follow rules, 100 household tasks, and a figurative card game you play with your partner, Fair Play helps you prioritize what’s important to your family and who should take the lead on every chore from laundry to homework to dinner.

Fair Play made sense to me after reading it. Something clicked. 

Maybe if James and I could physically see how many cards each of us held, we would realize all that the other did and work to make our household responsibilities fairer and alleviate some of my mental load. 

I knew I had to give it a shot. 

I liked how there were concrete rules: 

1. All Time is created equal. 
2. Reclaim your right to be interesting. 
3. Start where you are now. 
4. Establish your values and standards. 

I liked how there were different categories for the 100 household tasks: 

1. Home
2. Out
3. Caregiving
4. Magic
5. Wild
6. Unicorn Space

I liked how Eve offered solutions to the 13 mistakes couples will make.

And I was pretty sure James would appreciate the overall efficiency of the game. Now, I just had to get him to play. 

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I knew if I wanted to get James to play I couldn’t make Fair Play out to be a gigantic lecture or like I was out to get him. 

So, I sent him an invitation inviting him to play and empathized that there would be food and drinks served. He thought that was cheesy but RSVPed that he would go and actually showed up to our living room after our son went to bed. 

This is how we played. 

1. We laid out all the cards and began taking out the ones that don’t apply to us right now. (i.e. taking care of a pet, helping with your child’s homework)

2. I handed out the remaining cards to what we currently do. This is something you don’t have to do, but I wanted James to see how many cards I actually had. 
*Eve advises you to not keep score, but I felt obligated to let him know all the invisible work I do hehe*

3. Lay out the cards again. Now this time take turns picking out the Daily Grind cards. 

Some cards have a small coffee cup listed next to them. That signifies Daily Grind. These are the responsibilities that most likely have to take place every day (dishes, making dinner, putting kids to bed). 

One partner should not hold all the Daily Grind cards. They should be distributed fairly. 

In our household, James is in charge of all things food, cooking, groceries, meal-prepping, and takeout. I am in charge of cleaning and putting Henry to bed most nights, waking him up in the morning, and handling his naps. It’s our preference. 

4. Now, sort out the remaining cards. First, we started by preference and then we negotiated the cards we didn’t want. 

Remember just because you have a card now, it doesn’t mean that you are stuck with it forever. You can resort every week or month. 

And also remember that some cards can be Doubled-Up - when partners “share” one card. 

5. Draw your Friendship, Self-Care, and Unicorn Space cards. 

Each partner gets these cards and should be allotted time to nourish these cards. When you draw these cards, you should establish how often and when that will happen. 

For example, my Unicorn Space is writing and blogging and James’ Unicorn Space is trading. Wednesday nights James handles the bedtime routine, so I can have extra time or sometimes James will take Henry to the grocery store with him. 

6. Go over CPE. 

CPE stands for conception, planning, and execution. This is very important. 
It means that if you have a certain card, you are in charge of CPE. 

For instance, if I have the card of Extracurricular and Packing/Unpacking (a card pairing that should go together), it is my responsibility to sign up/pay for my son’s swim lessons, mark it on the calendar, plan how I am getting him there, pack his bags, and unpack them when I get back. 

James doesn’t have to do anything except ask how it went.

Another example, if James has the bedtime routine for the night, he is in charge of it all. The full CPE. I shouldn’t have to think about it at all. 

Because we all know that women spend a great amount of time conceiving and planning something but yet our partners will take credit for the task if they execute it. 

No, no. Not with Fair Play. If you have the card, you CPE it. 

Of course, there are extreme circumstances where you have to break down CPE, but Eve advises against it. 

7. Go over your Minimum Standard of Care. 

Your partner won’t do things quite like you do it and vice versa, and that’s okay, but there needs to be a Minimum Standard of Care established. 

For example, I am a little extra with the Bedtime Routine. Henry and I have our own thing. I shouldn’t expect James to do all that I do. 

BUT, the Minimum Standard of Care in our household is that he has to at least brush his teeth, read a book, say prayers, and sing a song. And I need to be okay with that. 

Establish a Minimum Standard of Care for anything you are concerned your partner won’t meet expectations and vice versa. 

8. Make a list of who has what and play fairly. 

Now, it’s time to play fairly. So far, it is working for us. We know our roles, and we have stuck with them. 

9. Redraw when necessary. 

We haven’t had to redraw, but I am sure we will soon now that summer is almost over, and teaching and coaching are starting soon. We are also moving, so some new roles will need to be established. 

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Both James and I have been very happy with Fair Play. We each feel more valued and less stressed. My mental load has decreased, and I am relishing in my Unicorn Space. 

Fair Play is something you need to play for life. It ultimately increases your communication as a couple and makes you feel like a team. 

James and I even high-fived after playing. Something he doesn’t let me do a lot because he says I am too eager for it. 

So you know Fair Play is a win!

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I truly believe that a good night's sleep and a perfect morning routine really set the stage for the rest of the day, especially for us moms. Whether we are spending the day rounding up the kids for a fun family outing or trying to get some work done around the house or at our actual workplace, perfecting our morning routine leads to overall better productivity, confidence, success, and happiness. 

That's why I am happy to share my morning routine, which is helping me reach my 2021 goals. After some trial and error once my son came along, I finally feel as if I have nailed it down. While the actual times and order of the steps might have to be adjusted to fit your lifestyle and family dynamics, you will still gain some knowledge on how to set the tone for the rest of the day. 

Maybe it's by doing one of these five steps and gradually working your way up to doing all five. Or maybe it's doing some during the weekdays and none on the weekends or vice versa. Either way, you are about to make some positive changes into your life by continuing to read. 

Ready for some BIG changes into your life? Consider purchasing The Add One-A-Day 30 Day Challenge. 30 lifestyle changes to implement throughout your whole day. 

1. Wake Up Before the Kids

Once your kids get down a solid sleep schedule and are not waking up at all hours or at the crack of dawn, this will be more feasible. Right now my son seems to fully wake anywhere between 7:00 AM - 7:30 AM. That means I aim to up and out of bed by 6:30 when I am not working (I have to be up earlier when I am working). I like at least a half hour to myself before my son wakes up. An hour is ideal. 

By now, I have gotten so used to waking at this time, it has just become natural. But if you are just starting out, trying setting your alarm just ten minutes before your kids wake and then work your way up. 

The key is to take 5 deep breaths, count to five, and just get up. No hitting the snooze and falling back asleep. Science shows that once you are awake in the morning and then fall back asleep, your body will actually feel more tired throughout the day. 

I understand that this will not happen all the time. Listen to your body. At this point in my life, I normally let my body naturally wake me up when I am not working. Since I have gotten into the habit of rising around 6:00, most of the time I am fully awake by 6:00/6:30 (or sometimes even earlier), so I get up.

Other times, I might need the extra sleep, so I stay in bed until 7:00. When this is the case, I still allow myself 15-30 minutes of time to myself even if my son is awake. He is usually happy sitting in his crib talking to himself and playing with his stuffed animals. So no guilt there.  

The times when I don't get up before my son, I can tell throughout the day. I feel as if I am playing catch up. Do yourself a favor and try this today!

2. Practice Gratitude

The first thing I do after I get out of bed is list four things I am thankful for in my designated gratitude journal. In the past, I have rattled them off in my head, but lately, for me, I have found it to be more meaningful and intentional to write them down. 

The thing about practicing gratitude is that it can be as trivial or deep as you want it to be. Somedays, I write my husband or my son or my parents and other days I am super thankful for chapstick or my mouthguard I wear at night (How dare those Gen Zers say Millennials are old with their side parts and skinny jeans!). 

Practicing gratitude is one of the key components to happiness and starting your day off happy is sure to be a catalyst for the rest of the day. It's hard to be upset when you're counting your blessings. 

3. Partake in Quiet Time

It's easy to jump right in after you list your four things of gratitude and be flooded with all the noise. The noise from social media, work emails, the news, podcasts, etc. It's a lot so early in the morning. 

That's why I like to take author, Matthew Kelly's advice and spend some time in the classroom of silence. For me, this could be 10 minutes of prayer, doing a crossword puzzle, reading a book, or eating breakfast in utter and total silence without checking my phone. I had my students try this, and they were amazed at how much they liked it. It's kind of weird and cool to actually listen and be aware of yourself chewing your food. 

For you, your quiet time could look completely different. That's fine. Just try to spend at least 10 minutes blocking out the chaos of the outside world and tune into your own thoughts before the noise smacks you in your face in a few short minutes. 

You'll head out into your day much calmer and relaxed. A clear head.  

​4. Drink One Glass of Water

Ahh water. It's so good for us. I have often heard that sleep and water are two of the most important things you can do for yourself, yet so many of us are not doing it.

That's why I like to start my day off with drinking one glass of water. I just chug it, and I instantly feel better and more refreshed. It's amazing how much one glass of water can do for us - our skin, our mind, our digestion, our circulation, and our body temperature. 

Remember to continue drinking water throughout the day!  

5. Review Your To-Do List

I believe that your to-do list should be created the night before instead of wasting time in the morning to do it. That way, you can have a plan of action in your mind the night before, and as soon as you wake up, you are able to execute it right away. 

But I do like to spend a few minutes reviewing it, so I can have a clear vision of my day fresh in my head or revise any unrealistic expectations based on how I am feeling in the morning. 

Get a good planner and get into the habit of writing down your daily goals. Schedule in those things that you want to accomplish no matter how big or small they are. 

On Sundays, I like to get up and review the scriptures ahead of time for mass that day. I schedule it in into my planner, so I don't forget. And when something is written down, it carries more importance. 

So maybe you should start writing down your morning routine, so you can remember to do it and so you can feel the satisfaction of crossing it off. 

6. Make Your Bed

Finally, I like to have a bed made in the morning.
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There have been studies that show that people who make their beds sleep better and have a more positive life. For me, it shows that I care and appreciate keeping my space neat and tidy. When my space is organized, I am organized. Plus, my bed just feels better sleeping in after it’s been made. 
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Naval Admiral William McRaven, the commander of U.S. Special Operations, agrees. In a famous 2014 commencement speech at University of Texas at Austin, the Admiral said it best. “If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another," he said. "By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter.”

Sometimes, I have to make my bed once my son is already up, but that's okay. I feel accomplished and in control of the day once I have done it.

​Try it and see how you feel.  

As Moms, we are busy and have so many thoughts running through out head throughout the day. 

We need those few moments to ourselves in the morning to mentally prep for the day without any distractions. 

With a little bit of practice, this morning routine will be perfect for you and if the rest of the day goes horribly wrong, you can rest in the knowledge that the morning went well because you were able to control it. 

See you out there, 
​Lauren