At the time of writing this, it’s been 3 years and 4 months since the doctors told me that I could not get pregnant again for the foreseeable future. It would be too dangerous with my brain aneurysm. After receiving that diagnosis, I was a bit relieved. “Get pregnant again? No way. No time soon,” I thought to myself. After all, I had a 6 month old who still had some sleepless nights and battles at naptime. My body was still recovering from a c-section and everything postpartum. Breastfeeding and pumping were like full time jobs. And the memories of 9 months of all day nausea and throwing up intensely in the first-second trimesters were still too fresh. “Thank you, doctor. I will take your advice. No problem.” But, as I learned from a clinical psychologist and mom of 3, Dr. Becky Kennedy, two things are true. As the days turned to months and the months to a year, the stress of making sure I didn’t get pregnant and the growing desire to have another kid started to become forefront in my thoughts. Then, I got the good news. A year and half after surgery, my brain aneurysm was gone and I could gradually wean to a lower dosage of medicine. I could start trying to have another kid! That was over a year ago… And we’ve been hit with something I never thought we would have to experience - secondary fertility. Getting pregnant with our first child was so easy. I never thought the second one would be any different. But after some research, we learned that secondary infertility is more common than we realized. Secondary infertility is as common as primary infertility. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples trying to conceive or about 12.5 percent. Out of all infertility causes, secondary infertility makes up about 50 percent of all cases. I also learned something else. Two things are true. Truth #1: Each month that passes of not getting pregnant the grief is immense. Will I get to hold another baby? Will I get to have another child? Will I have another baby fall asleep on my chest? Will I get to simply rock quietly in my rocking chair as I nurse a baby? Will I get to see those little toes and fingers and hear those little snorts and grunts? But…two things are true. Truth #2 My son is and always will be enough for us. I am so grateful for his life. I don't need more for my life to feel complete. My son brings me so much happiness and the love I have for him each day is immense. Being his mom is one of my absolute favorite things. ___________________________________________________ Truth #1: I want my son to have a sibling. I want my son to have someone to play with, fight with, have sleepovers with, gang up on Mom and Dad with, be competitive with, call up to each other when they are older and talk about life with. I want all the things that come with sibling dynamics. And every time I see siblings together, it hurts my heart a bit. I want that so badly. But…two things are true. Truth #2 Research has debunked the stereotypes and myths of having an only child. Only children aren’t selfish, aggressive, bossy, spoiled, and dependent. My son will have plenty of people in his life who love him and will see to it that he doesn’t grow up to be that way. He will have strong bonds with friends, our friends’ kids, and our cousins’ kids. ___________________________________________________ Truth #1: I wanted my kids to be closer in age. I see my son interact with little kids and babies, and it breaks my heart that we will never get to experience him at this age with a sibling. But…two things are true. Truth #2: Our son is growing more and more independent. He sleeps well. He is potty trained. He is going to preschool. He is starting to do more and more on his own. It will be nice that he will be able to help out and we won’t have to worry about two kids in diapers or needing double of baby furniture and accessories (cribs, rocking chairs, high chairs, car seats, strollers, and clothes) because our next child can use the ones my son has outgrown. ___________________________________________________ Truth #1: I want to experience being pregnant again because it’s such an amazing process and a special time in a woman’s life. I want the perks and special treatment that comes with being pregnant. But…two things are true. Truth #2: I am a little bit relieved when I find out that I'm not pregnant. My last pregnancy was hard. I had severe morning (all day) sickness that seemed to last the whole pregnancy. I threw up a lot. I was extremely anxious and didn’t feel like myself. There is a possibility my brain aneurysm grew while I was pregnant. Will another one show up during pregnancy? ___________________________________________________ Truth #1: It's sometimes hard to hear and see pregnancy announcements and see large families. It seems like every time I log into Instagram someone is having a baby. Some families have had two or three kids since I have had my son. I take my son to church each week, and we are surrounded by families of 3, 4, 5, 6, and even 7. A voice inside my head wonders why I can’t just have one more. Please, God. But…two things are true. Truth #2: I'm still happy for what they have. I love children. Children are our hope for the future and seeing families be blessed with the abundance of kids makes me happy. Families taking their kids to church makes me happy. Kids are a blessing. ___________________________________________________ Truth #1: I want another child because our parents are getting older. I want them to experience our kids and have a large part in our next kid’s life just like they have with our first son. I worry if, God forbid, they won’t be around for our next child. But…two things are true. Truth #2: Our parents are getting older. We relied on their help with our first child so much. They were and still are such a blessing to be so near to us and so willing to help out. They have been our childcare - free of cost - for the past two and a half years after I returned to work full time. They have watched on the occasional weekend, so we could have a night out or take a trip. Will they be able to help out with a second kid? Can I do it without their help? ___________________________________________________ Truth #1: The waiting is hard. The unknown is hard. Not having all the answers is hard. Why can’t we get pregnant? When will it be our turn? I want to know. I want a plan. But…two things are true. Truth #2: It isn’t my plan. It’s God’s plan. Maybe the timing isn't currently right because of my recent health issues and struggle with managing my autoimmune disease on top of teaching full time and being a parent to a toddler. Some days I wonder how I can give more. I have been able to reach some goals that I might not have been able to reach with being pregnant or having a newborn. Maybe adoption is in our future. Or something else. I truly have a great life. ___________________________________________________ I have learned this past year that often two things are true. I’ve grieved. I’ve been grateful. I’ve been resentful. I’ve been relieved. I’ve been bitter. I’ve been blessed. I’ve worried. I’ve wept. I’ve wondered. I’ve waited. I’ve hurt. I’ve hoped. And sometimes that is simply all we can do.
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