Like Baby, baby, baby
I am starting to feel more optimistic. In fact, the books and the apps suggest feeling and thinking positive thoughts will lead to a healthier pregnancy and birth. And quite honestly, I will do absolutely almost anything to ensure that a baby sliding out of my nether regions is as painless as possible. So namaste, all.
One word can sum up the symptoms I have been experiencing and that word is - pee. I have always been a frequent urinator. One time, in college, my roommate and I tracked how much we peed for a month to compare our urine tendency. You know, typical college antics. The results ended up being no competition. I out peed her by like 3 to 1. It wasn't even close, son. I have to pee again while peeing. No lie. I'll be tinkling and then I will finish and then realize I have to go again.
Therefore, with this whole pregnancy thing my bathroom trips have been revved up a notch. The average person pees about 8-10 times a day. While I, on the other hand, am relieving my bladder probably more than 20 times a day. My urine is crystal clear too! #feelingproud
By now the baby has grown to the size of a Maine blueberry. Not a California blueberry or an Iowa blueberry. No, a Maine blueberry. Ain't nobody have time for those other 49 states. This is a really important developmental milestone to track. If your little fetus is the size of, let's say, a Mississippi Blueberry, you need to flip the freak out because you don't want your baby the size of that southern state or else he/she will always be coming in 49th or 50th or some other low place his/her entire life. Therefore, be certain not to eat 1/16 of a calorie more or less than what is needed to produce a Maine sized blueberry baby. You're welcome.
Things I learned
As an expectant mother, it is critical to think about the baby growing inside of you 24/7. Otherwise, it WILL die. You cannot go outside and move because you might fall and the baby WILL die. You cannot sit all day because not enough exercise will cause the baby to be a lazy bum and he/she WILL die. You cannot breath in any outside or inside air because air contains toxins and pollutants, and the baby WILL die. You also cannot hold your breath for 9 months because, well, you will die, and the baby WILL die too. You need to get 10 bazillion servings of protein, 5 gazillion of carbohydrates, 3 zillion of vegetables, 2 billion of fruits, and 1 million of healthy fats a day or else the baby WILL die. Other than that, pregnancy is a time for you to enjoy yourself and emit that radiant glow for all the world to see. You do you, girl.
In keeping with the spirit of positive vibes only, I am writing you to tell you that I know you will not make me sick as I soon enter the dreaded Week 6. You are such a good little blueberry, and I know that you would never do something like that to Mommy. Even though I know you won't, I do have to warn you that if you do make me ill, especially during our trip to California where I already cannot drink wine when we go to Napa Valley, I will get my revenge. "It will be when you least expect it, which might be when you most expect it. It could actually be when you're of age and reading What to Expect When You're Expecting in preparation for your own kids" (Schmidt, New Girl). But I will lurk in the shadows for as long as it takes, and I. Will. Strike.You.Down.
Love the one who loves you the most,
Your dearest Mommy
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Photo used under Creative Commons from does_not_travel_often