How I Survived the Insomnia Speed Bump

9/1/2023

*I wrote this blog before my mom's unexpected death. Even with the absolute pain, grief, and exhaustion of losing my mom much too young, I'm still 100% cured from insomnia. I say this because this advice works and should give you hope.*

I truly thought I was cured. I even wrote an article called How to Never Fear Insomnia Again. For six months, I had stopped fearing getting little sleep, wondering if I would cope the next day, and letting go of sleep efforts.

I was functioning better than ever even if I got a night of 4 hours of sleep. I was barely taking any prescription or over the counter medicine. I had nearly stopped tracking what time I needed to go to bed, what time I fell asleep, and how many hours of sleep I got. I had simply accepted what was and let go.

There were times, anxiety would creep up again, yes, but I did a good job of monitoring my thoughts, getting curious about them, and accepting them. Sure, every now and then I would take a nibble (I’m talking like ¼ or ⅛) of my medicine as an act of self care with the intention to calm myself rather than produce sleep.

I had heard about speed bumps. I knew that I would probably get one. But I never expected to fear the speed bump so much.

What is an Insomnia Speed Bump?

As I now know, insomnia is a true learned fear of NOT sleeping. It’s not that you can’t sleep. Remember that sleep is passive.

It’s that you are so fearful of NOT being able to sleep that your brain goes into hyperarousal which prevents you from sleeping. Essentially, it’s a fear of being awake.

Your brain is a powerful tool. It was designed to help you survive, so a speed bump is your brain’s way of telling you that it is perceiving some sort of threat. As hellish as insomnia is, I think that that is pretty cool. Your brain is looking out for you.

It is a night of sleeping little after several good ones. Or it is that stretch of sleepless nights after a few weeks of not struggling.

The speed bump can be triggered by a certain event and then your brain starts to remember, “Remember that last stint with insomnia. That was awful wasn’t it? Let’s not go through that again.”

And then what happens? You guessed it. Hyperarousal because your brain is going into problem-solving mode to figure out what you did wrong and how to stop it.
And we all know hyperarousal will put you into a state of alertness aka sleep becomes nearly impossible.

Holistic sleep coach, Beth Kendall, points out that nothing has gone wrong. It’s completely normal.

What Happened With Me?

My last big bout with insomnia, the one where I realized that I had a problem and needed help, started with this scenario: I got sick, had a few restless nights, ran out of my “just-in-case” calm down medicine, had a hard time of getting more for various reasons, then went into extreme panic (aka hyperarousal), and then had a week of poor sleep.

Somewhere in my brain, it remembered that experience and how awful it was.

So when six months later my son and I got sick, had a few restless nights, went on prednisone for strep throat, realized that prednisone causes jitters and insomnia, ran out of my “just-in-case” medicine again because I thought I was healed, and a seed of doubt etched it’s way into my mind, well I got tangled in the midsts of a full blown speed bump.

Night One, I got 3 hours of sleep. That wasn’t too bad, and I tried to live my life fairly normally the second day. But when the second night I got 0 hours of sleep, I was in full blown panic. And by the third night of 0 hours of sleep, I was in despair. I would do anything to get my hands on my medicine even though it was the weekend and my doctor’s office was closed.

I was perplexed at why this was happening.

I was in despair.

I thought I might never heal.

I was scared.

My thoughts spiraled into never sleeping, losing my job, ending up in a mental hospital, getting hooked on medicine, developing some terrible health condition, hallucinating, having psychotic episodes, and ultimately having my son and husband leaving me.

My body felt like it was buzzing and electric currents were going through me. I was shaking and having hypnic jerks, which my one saving grace was that I had an understanding ahead of time what they were and that they were NOT dangerous.

It was truly a hellish experience.

I think this time was the worst because I had the education of insomnia and truly believed what I had learned but what I had learned wasn’t working. Or I was forcing to make it work which is counterintuitive.

Also, last time I went to the ER with the hope they would help. Unfortunately, now I know that there are very few doctors and therapists that truly get insomnia. It’s a small community overshadowed by the Sleep Industry and Big Pharma which is where the money is. I have found very few people and articles on the internet that are actually helpful. Other insomniacs would agree.

It’s no wonder so many people have trouble sleeping and sleep anxiety. Our society has conditioned us to be afraid of being awake at night with all their fear-inducing headlines that are often not true at all.

It’s no surprise that cultures and societies that don’t live by the rules of the clock, do not have a word for insomnia. Because there’s no reason to fear being up at night. They are also much healthier.

We DO NOT all need 8 hours of sleep.

Insomnia will not cause long term health conditions.

And the only reason why we think it will or that we feel tired when we don’t get the “recommended” hours of sleep is because we have been conditioned to believe this.

I’m speculating here, but when I read that lack of sleep causes poor health, I do not believe that. I believe this - the fear of lack of sleep and the pressure to live by such sleep rules are part of what’s causing poor health.

I will repeat: When I stopped fearing that I absolutely needed 8 hours of sleep, I was less tired when I didn’t get it. In fact, I felt like I had more energy.

During the time of this speed bump, I just wanted to call someone who truly understood what I was going through and how to help. The one or two therapists I had seen in the past had pushed upon me sleep hygiene and efforts. Doctors push upon you unhelpful sleep medication.

But my one glimmer of hope was that I discovered The Sleep Coach School and read about other insomniacs who had recovered having nearly the exact same experiences and feelings as me. My mom, too, went through something similar a few times.

I did make it worse by going down the Insomnia Rabbit Role aka the

Google Trap.

I inundated myself with too much information at once. While some information wasn’t all that bad and, in fact, some was very helpful, instead of simply accepting my insomnia, I was problem-solving.

And as Beth says, “But it's actually the 'doing something' that perpetuates insomnia. Because no human being on earth is powerful enough to force sleep!”

I eventually got the medicine and used it to calm down enough to sleep and give me confidence that sleep is passive. Wakefulness = sleep drive.

What I Learned?

I like to remember that with each bout with insomnia and each speed bump there’s something to learn and that each one takes me closer to recovery.

Here’s what I learned:

Sometimes medicine is an act of self-care. Both times I thought I didn’t need it, I had problems. While one day I do hope to be completely void of it, right now I’m having it on hand as self-love for myself.
I have made progress but still have to fully accept my insomnia and let go. While I was okay with little sleep, I learned that I was not good with no sleep. I still very much feared being awake.
According to the Sleep Coach School, my desire for sleep is what is causing my trouble for sleep.
Our brain confuses sleep as something that we can fight. We cannot fight sleep.
I have an understanding of why I can’t sleep, now I need to fully accept being awake at night when I am and let go of all sleep efforts.
Right now I’m just going to let things be. Maybe I need more help with a therapist regulating my nervous system. Maybe I need more help with a sleep coach. But right now I’m just letting go.
I might have more speed bumps.

Also according to the Sleep Coach School, there’s such a thing called the Gas and Brake model. The Gas Pedal is your sleep drive. It’s what is guiding you to sleep. Your Brake Pedal is for safety. It’s hyperarousal. We can go to bed with one of the four combinations:

No gas no brake. Sleep will not happen because of no sleep drive but because there is no brake you are often lying there peacefully.
No gas yes brake. Sleep will not happen because there is no sleep drive but hyperarousal is present, so you are lying down very nervous and wide awake.
Yes gas yes brake. This is the typical scenario for insomnia. There’s sleep drive and hyperarousal present. Your sleep is very fitful and fragmented.
Yes gas no brake. This is sufficient sleep.

If you have insomnia please consider these communities. They are the only ones I’ve found so far who are truly helpful and get it. They have free and paid resources.

Beth Kendall - free email course, blogs, Instagram, Facebook, paid program, podcast
The Sleep Coach School - website, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, podcast, books
Sleep School Community - Facebook, book, app

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Lauren Barrett is a multi-passionate mom working to help all parents become their best selves and build positive relationships with their kids through mindful parenting. She has a degree in deaf education and a Master’s in Reading Education. She is a high school teacher of the Deaf and hard-of-hearing by day, a cross country coach by the afternoon, a writer/author by her son's nap times, and a full time mom to an amazing toddler. Lauren is a 3x author of the Add One-A-Day 30 Day Challenge, children's book, Henry's Hiccups, and parenting guide Now What? Mindful Checklists for Life's Hard Parenting Moments, a blogger at Lauren Barrett Writes, and has been published on sites like A Fine Parent, Pregnant Chicken, Pop Sugar, Her View From Home, and Scary Mommy. She loves her faith, running, visiting MLB stadiums with her husband, chocolate, scrapbooking, pretending she would actually do well on the Amazing Race, re-watching The Office, listening to Bobby Bones, and helping out all moms. She lives in North Carolina with her husband, James, and son, Henry. Follow her on Instagram at @laurenbarrettwrites, and get her free guide on what to do during the middle of a tantrum.

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