The True Story Behind the KBNoSwag White Water Rafting Picture

Lauren Barrett

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*I never refer to Kyle as KBNoSwag. I just put that moniker in my titles for SEO keywords.* 

*CHECK OUT the NEW BOOK about Doug, KB, and Dead Mom on Amazon. Learn more here.  *

It's Thanksgiving week, and I still haven't written a blog for you this month, so I'm going to phone this one in and use a paper I wrote for my high school senior year creative writing class. 

Keep in mind I was 17 at the time, and I hadn't yet quite honed my craft of writing and found my voice. I was still experimenting with introductions, dialogue, and abundance of adjectives and metaphors, and the tasteful art of humor.

This picture is infamous in our Bauer Family History. The picture tells its own story, but it is time that I unearth the true narrative behind the photograph that reveals exactly who we all are as people. 

​Enjoy.

Whitewater rafting - the activity of being moved quickly in a raft along rivers where the current is very strong. That is a standardized definition of the term whitewater rafting.

However, my family somehow overlooked that definition. 

For some reason, the words 'quickly,' 'current,' and 'strong' just did not seem to come to mind. Our picture of the whole recreational sport involved us relaxing in a raft floating happily along the river while basking in the sun with a cold drink in hand, enjoying the picturesque landscape surrounding us. 

Well, that all changed when were seated in our rafts and the guide uttered these words, "Never stop padding through the rapids. If you do, your raft may tip, and we will have to rescue you." 

We knew were in for a treat. 

My mom decided a whitewater rafting adventure would be an auspicious ending to our otherwise, to be blunt, Vacation From Hell (I was probably the only one to have enjoyed myself, but that is a whole different story that may perhaps be told on a later date.). 

We were headed back from New Jersey and, by no means adventitious, would pass right by the exit for the Yough River where Ohiopyle is in western PA. My dad was a bit cautious at first. My mom and I are not exactly poster children for the strong and mighty. Petite would be an adequate word to describe us. My brother was only 12, (the minimum age for the Lower Yough) but yet still has gigantic muscles (added solely on his request). 

My mom reassured my dad that everything would be fine, and all we would be doing was row, row, rowing our rafts gently down the stream....

After spending the night at a local hotel and a half hour drive, we had arrived. The day was cloudy with the sun trying to peak through. I was animated because I love outdoorsy activities and thrill-seeking adventures. Plus this was another feature I could cross out on my list of The Top Ten Things To Do Before I Die. No one had to know that instead of battling rapids that I would be sunbathing. 

my mom, on the other hand, was somewhat peeved about the BO/rive water stench of the life jackets and helmets. What did she think they would smell like? Perfume? Considering all rivers usually carry the aroma of Bath and Body Works. 

While waiting for the bus to take us to the river, my dad who is extremely overconfident, was watching films of brave souls conquering Class V rapids and bragging how he could handle those with no problems. As for my brother, does anyone really know what goes on inside his head? 

We boarded the bus with other members of our expedition (about 15 groups), including a really lively Boy Scout troop, and headed to our rafts that were alongside the river. We sat down in our rafts with our paddles and waited for the guide to give us our instructions. Meanwhile we noticed other guides getting into various groups' boats. We asked them why they had a guide and we did not. They replied by telling us that they paid extra for a guide. 

Strange...why would they pay extra for a guide when all we are doing is gliding along? That doesn't usually require much strength. 

The guide began speaking, and it was not long before our fate was revealed. 

"It is important to remember to never stop paddling while going through the rapids. If you do, the raft may tip, and we would have to rescue you. Someone along the way will most likely fall out. When you do, do not panic and immediately lie on your back or else your feet may get caught in a rock, and that is not good. I'll caution you that the water is freezing...blah, blah, blah...Now let's go have some fun!" 

However, I kind of stopped listening after the first few sentences. I think I was having too much trouble trying to close my gaping mouth. I looked around at my family. They seemed shocked also, except for my dad who claims that the word fear is not in his vocabulary. 

"Your mom wanted to do this. I tried to warn her that the Class III-IV is a little too much for first timers. Do not blame me. Blame her," my dad just had to throw out there. 

The other groups had begun carrying their rafts down to the river. Needless to say, that was an arduous task for us. My mom complained that the raft was too heavy and basically made no attempt at all. My brother could barely reach the raft once it was over our heads. I put in some effort but to no avail. My dad had to do all the work, and by the time we had gotten the raft into the water he was in a surly mood.

As one could probably guess, our whitewater rafting did not start out too well. We basically turned in circles while bumping into other groups. My dad, who had been appointed captain, was desperately trying to read the guide's signals while shouting loudly. Above my dad's shouting, my mom, too, decided to chime in yelling her own instructions. On top of all this, I was crying out for my dad to stop being mean and for my mom to chill. Complete chaos would describe this scene right now. Did I mention we had not even reached the rapids yet? 

We somehow managed to fall in place and row forward. 

"The first rapid will be coming up. It is called 'Entrance Rapid'. Follow my hand signals and watch out for the hydraulics and irregular waves," announced the guide. 

What in the heck did hydraulics mean? I did not have time to ask. I would like to say that we successfully made it through, but that would be lying. 

When we got to the rapid, we panicked, stopped paddling, and completely ignored the hand signals. Of course, my dad never stopped rowing and yelling even when I fell backwards and whacked him in the head with my paddle in spite of the numerous times that guide told us to be careful with the paddle. Never did he stop paddling even when our raft turned all the way around and my mom screeched that she was incapable of paddling from the right side; however, she is right-handed. He finally stopped rowing when we had reached the end. 

The look on his face could kill. He chastised us for not paddling and admonished me for the paddle incident. At this time, I began to laugh and told him not to take this so seriously and have some fun. I guess being almost knocked unconscious is a matter to be taken seriously because he did not cheer up. He mumbled something about this being Mom's idea. 

We were quickly approaching "Cucumber Rapid," Our picture was to be taken (see the main picture which depicts our mood throughout the trip perfectly). "Cucumber Rapid" was not as difficult. We made it through without falling out, turning around, or whacking anyone; nonetheless, Mom, my brother, and I still forgot to paddle (see picture), and Mom still shouted random instructions that were of no value at all. By the end of "Cucumber Rapid," I actually deemed it sort of fun. I am pretty certain my dad smiled, and my mom may have taken a moment to breathe and close her mouth. 

As the time passed and a few more rapids conquered, we got to be, what I would say, "good." Once underdogs, we were not almost the leader of the pack. Like in all things, once considered "good", a drive to be the best is evident. Whitewater rafting is no different, and some minds want to be the best out of a 15-group excursion. 

In this case that would be Greg Bauer's mind. He fathomed this idea what we should be the number one group of the pack, and no rest would be allowed until the task was accomplished. 

Every one of us is competitive, and we accepted the challenge. I am proud to say, and by no means am I being a braggart, that we prevailed. I am not saying it was easy.

We had our setbacks: my mom's constant drone of how much her arms ached and how she smelled BO; my brother's falling out of the raft when were not even going through a rapid; our raft getting pinned to a rock and filling with water as we sat and watched it happen; some other groups' competition; and the "Dimple Rapid" Incident, which I thought would be our downfall. 

As we approached "Dimple Rapid," the guide told us that this one would be the hardest yet. Of course, we were confident. After all we were the number one group.

The rapids were fierce, the hydraulics were tough, the force was immense. Mom almost knocked me out. 

One time I happened to glance back. Dad was gone! "Where's Dad?" I shouted to my brother, Kyle. Kyle informed me that Dad had fallen out. Kyle never even told us! You would think that losing my dad would be a key detail not to leave out. 

Kyle assumed role as captain as Dad was being rescued. It makes me wonder if Kyle pushed Dad over in order to be captain..

In short, Kyle was a horrible captain. I nearly lost all self-control when he yelled for me to paddle, but I could not because my side of the raft was pinned to a rock. 

Dad finally came back, and we decided to relax until the end since we had already obtained our goal. The rushing river and the gigantic trees that hovered above us were really majestic once we took the time to look at them. When we had a goal to work toward, we all learned to cooperate and work together. That was my dad's whole plan all along (I hope). 

Fatigue and soreness overcame us on the way home, but we all agreed that that would not be the last time we rowed our raft gently down the stream, for life is but a dream. 

Lauren Bauer
English - 2nd Period
​November 14, 2005

Wow! While copying this paper, I would predict what I would write now, and it turned out to be the same thing my 17-year old brain wrote. Pretty cool. 

This trip was a core memory, and one we would talk about for years afterwards. What were we thinking not having a guide? Well, it made for quite a story. 

We all ended up going whitewater rafting again,  but this trip will always be the most memorable. 

Thanks for coming along this journey with me.

First 4 people to tip me this month will get a signed Doug Wanoy copy of Henry's Hiccups for Deaf Awareness Month. 
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And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments. 

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L​auren Barrett is a multi-passionate mom working to help all people become their best selves and build positive relationships with the people around them. She has a degree in deaf education and a Master’s in Reading Education. She is a high school teacher of the Deaf and hard-of-hearing, a former cross country coach, a writer/author, and a full time mom to an amazing 5-year old. Lauren is a 3x author, including children’s book,Henry’s Hiccups, and parenting guide Now What? Mindful Checklists for Life’s Hard Parenting Moments. She is a blogger at Lauren Barrett Writes. Currently, she is grieving her loving mom’s unexpected death and devoting her time to helping people learn about grief, insomnia, and anxiety in honor of her mom. She loves her faith, running, visiting MLB stadiums with her husband, chocolate, scrapbooking, pretending she would actually do well on the Amazing Race, re-watching The Office, listening to Bobby Bones, and helping out all moms. She lives in North Carolina with her husband, James, and son, Henry. Follow her on her blog and get her free kind for sleep and anxiety, Stress Free Sleep.