 Before my second son arrived, I saw and heard a lot of women commenting about what was harder for them - the transition from 0-1 or 1-2 kids? Or 2-3, 3-4, 4-5 kids for those larger families? I had flashbacks to my first pregnancy where people liked to remind you about the lack of sleep you were about to get and like it was hopeless. It seemed most people found the transition from 1-2 harder. I am not typically an overanxious person. I'm more of a "it'll all work out" kind of gal. But those all too familiar feelings started to come back the moment we got the call saying there was a baby for us. The 0-1 transition had its challenges. Was this about to be harder? I had enough hard lately and was ready for some easy, breezy. But after nearly two months of Jacob, I have my official answer to this question. Dun. Dun. Dun. My answer is that there is no universal answer. There isn't even an official answer for me. It really boils down to these five main areas: 1.) Pregnancy/Labor and Delivery 2.) The age you are at the time of having the baby 3.) Sibling's age at the time of birth of the second child 4.) Life circumstances 5.) Child's temperament I'll break down each one and tell you which transition I found harder in each area.  Pregnancy/Labor and Delivery0-1 Transition: I usually don't hate much things in life. I always try to find the good and learn to like something. Not pregnancy. I hated that ish. I had morning sickness all day pretty much throughout the whole pregnancy. I threw up a lot in the first trimester. This is also the first time where I experienced a real bout of anxiety. Prior to having kids, I had a lot of experience with kids 3 and above. From tutoring, being a day camp counselor, babysitting, student teaching, and actually teaching, I have worked with a wide variety of kids and I LOVE all ages. But babies. I had no experience. Nada. My irrational thoughts convinced me that the nurses at the hospital would be able to discern that I had no experience and that they would either scoff at me or take away my child. I wasn't even sure if I knew how to hold a baby. The thought of it petrified me. As for the labor and delivery part, I had a scheduled c-section (because of the brain aneurysm) but went into labor before it. DANG were the contractions not SUPER painful. Yikes. By the time I got to the hospital because I had labored at home for hours after thinking it was false labor, I was practically begging for that needle to be stuck inside of me for the c-section. Then, there's the c-section recovery and your body recovering from being pregnant for nine months. And the milk production that is coming in. It's a lot! 1-2 Transition: No notes. LOL. I wasn't pregnant and didn't experience the pangs of labor and delivery. It has been glorious! Not me going for runs and then going to the NICU to visit my baby while the other, tired new moms probably thought what the heck kind of drugs I was taking to be able to do that after having a kid. "Ladies, who says having a baby is hard? Look how I have bounced back!" Flips hair. JUST KIDDING! Conclusion: The 1-2 transition has been lightyears easier in this area for obvious reasons.  The Age You Are at the Time of Having the Baby0-1 Transition: I was 28 when I got pregnant with my first son and 29 when I delivered. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. Naive to the hardships of the world. I remember being up in the middle of the night while breastfeeding and chowing down on a power bar. I would research all the fun spots to go the next day as I was determined to make the most of my maternity leave. And here's the crazy part - I would go. I'm not sure how I did it or how I had so much energy. 1-2 Transition: *Takes a drag of her cigarette.* " I've lived a lot of life. What do you want to know, kid?" It's true. I am 35 now and have lived a lot of life since my first child. Life has beaten me down in more ways than one. I don't have nearly the energy I used to have. I try. Though, I put in a valiant effort, I must say. But one night of poor sleep, and all I want to do is nap all day. My back, knees, and hips hurt a lot more than they used to. I ain't no spring chicken. HOWEVER, all the life I have lived since my firstborn, has wizened me. It's made me more confident. I'm not second guessing my parenting decisions or following exactly what the "Instagram experts" tout out in scripts and rules. I've done hard and know I have the resilience to do hard again. Conclusion: It's a tie in this area. My first son I had a lot more energy and could survive on less sleep. I also had fewer aches and pains. Easier for me in this area. But I was second-guessing my decisions and spending hours poring over parenting books and guides. With baby #2 I have been there and done that. Way easier when you have the confidence and fully stacked toolkit that I can readily pull out to troubleshoot any problem that arises.  Sibling's Age at the Time of Birth of the Second ChildObviously going from 0-1 kid doesn't come with any siblings. But the age of your first child can play a critical role in the transition from 1-2 kids. You go from double teaming to man-on-man defense. Our situation is unique. Our two boys have a 6-year age difference. Most people don't have that kind of gap. Our first son is out of diapers, in school all day, can feed, bathe, dress, and play by himself. He can form full sentences and communicate his wants and needs clearly. He also helps us out with the baby. Not that we would ever ignore our first son, but he requires a lot less attention now that he is older which is the goal in parenting. I can see it being a lot harder if you have a sibling who is also in diapers, figuring out his feelings and emotions in the toddler years, not speaking in full sentences, and doesn't understand who this new baby is taking Mommy and Daddy away from him. Conclusion: I have already mourned and accepted the fact that our kids aren't closer in age and have reached the point where the age gap has made the transition easier for us.  Life CircumstancesLife circumstances really boil down to the following:
0-1 Transition: I took 14 weeks of maternity leave, went back to work for a month, and then it was summer break. James had 12 weeks of paternity leave. We had both set of parents helping us and a couple friends who already had kids. We didn't have to put our son in daycare because both grandparents agreed to help watch. We were both in good health (physically and mentally) and so was our baby. We lived in a three-story townhouse in a family friendly neighborhood. Lastly, our financial means were good. We had some debt left to pay off, but we weren't strapped for cash. We were in a good place to have a baby and had a lot of love and support from those around us. 1-2 Transition: This time around, I am taking 12 weeks of maternity leave and going back to work for two months before it is summer break. My husband has 16 weeks this time! He is splitting his paternity leave and will take the rest when I go back to work. Obviously, this time my mom isn't here to help out which has made me extremely sad. I miss her and her love and guidance a lot. However, I am fortunate that I had her for the first baby, and she had imparted upon me a lot of wisdom and advice. We still have James' parents and my dad. Albeit older LOL. Plus, my aunt (my mom's sister) has been a tremendous help. An added bonus is that since I can't breastfeed, all the feedings do not fall on me and that James can help out throughout the day and night. I feel like we have a more established friend group who have become like family. We also now live in a single-family home with the BEST neighbors (on par with the ones I had growing up - shout out to the Taylors!). The outpouring of help from both new and old friends and family has been overwhelming! Both of our health is still good. Two-three years ago I would be saying differently about my health. I had to overcome some health issues. During those times, I yearned for a baby, but now see the wait was a blessing in disguise. Lastly, our financial means are still good. We have paid off all debt and had six years to save for another child. I'd say we are in an even better place to have a child this time around. Conclusion: Through both transitions, we have been blessed to have such favorable life circumstances supporting us to raise a baby. It really makes a difference when you have adequate help and paid leave. It's hard to pinpoint which transition was easier, but I'm going to go with the transition from 1-2 minus the part with not having my mom.  The Baby's TemperamentLastly, the baby's temperament really plays a role in how easy the transition can be. Even though my sons are not biologically related, they both have very similar temperaments as babies. I'd say they are relatively calm babies with easygoing temperaments. Sure, they have/had their fussy moments, especially during the "witching hour," but we can easily find what soothes them. Our second son has been a much better sleeper in the newborn stages, but our first son wasn't terrible. Conclusion: I can see how having an extremely fussy baby or a baby who doesn't sleep very well can solely determine which transition is easier. For us, I am going to say the transition from 1-2 since our second son is a better sleeper. No offense, Henry.  As you can see, determining which transition is easier is very unique to your family situation and can be decided among a number of different factors. You might even go through different seasons or years where you fluctuate with which transition you think is easiest. I know there have been some evenings recently where our second son is having his "witching hour" and have him swaddled in tight to my wrap while bouncing on a ball with hair dryer sounds blaring and trying to keep a pacifier in his mouth that he keeps spitting out and meanwhile our first son is whining at me to read him a book and put him to bed. My back aches. My knees hurt. And I'm so tired. It is then that I think this isn't easier. Only for the next day for me to wake up fully rested with both boys snuggled next to me and remember, "Oh this is much easier. This is what I wanted for so many years." So please don't let the tales of the internet scare and cause you much anxiety. I was recently at baby yoga with mostly first time moms and some veteran moms. A mom of two told a mom of one, "Oh going from 1-2 is much harder." I could see the new mom who is probably tired and going through some hard days and nights herself get wide eyed and frightened. "Oh really?!?" I wanted to chime in, "Please don't worry about that now. Be present where you are. Everyone's circumstances are different." Then, I probably would quote scripture or the Serenity Prayer about how we shouldn't be anxious and all the moms who look at me like I'm a weirdo, so I refrained from saying anything. Maybe I should have said something, but I went home and wrote this blog instead. CHECK OUT the NEW BOOK about Doug, KB, and Dead Mom on Amazon. Learn more here. First 3 people to tip me this month will get a signed Doug Wanoy copy of Henry's Hiccups for Deaf Awareness Month. And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments.
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