Unlike the gang on Always Sunny, James and I didn’t buy a timeshare in the following recounting of events. Timeshares can be a sham and the people who sell them are, at best, grifters, but little did these swindlers know that they were about to meet the bigger hustlers of the two groups staring at each other from across the table that day on January 3. James and I learned we had won a three-night, four-day stay in Williamsburg, VA, in December. Our names were drawn from a raffle we entered at the NC State Fair. The only catch was that we had to sit through a 90-minute timeshare presentation. Most people would say no. Not us. This would be our third time running our little Ponzi scheme. We knew how these people operated. Pressure us to buy a timeshare. Say, “No,” at least ten times. Claim our prizes. Go home. Bada bing bada boom. We worked out that we would arrive in Williamsburg on Thursday. Thursday through Friday would earn us the highest gift card of all the days: a $200 Visa gift card. If we were to run this scheme, we would go for the gold or nothing. Go big and then go home is what we like to say when we run our Operation Deceive the Timeshare Business. Get in. Get out. Hustle the Hustler. Spare the Timeshare. Say, “No” to the Grift and Then Collect Our Gift. Castrate and Then Vacate Vacation Ownership We’re still workshopping our catchphrase. Anyway, on January 2 we departed Raleigh, NC around noon to make it to Williamsburg by our 4 PM check-in time. The name of our stay was Vacation Village Resorts and by the sounds of that I was expecting Target but when we arrived we were greeted with WalMart. No offense to Williamsburg and the Revolutionary War but this place was not revolutionary. The British would take one look at this place and say, “Nah,” and then leave. Turning down this timeshare just got a whole lot easier. After some minor setbacks like my dear husband messing up something that I said a thousand (okay, three times) to double check and our original room being so unkempt (unmade bed, dirty sheets and towels, unemptied trash) that we got moved to their “suite,” we enjoyed dinner out in historical Williamsburg and a kid-free night catching up on some of our shows. Point for us. Complimentary night away paid for by the Timeshare People. Around 12:30 the next day, we were prepared to meet our Match by doing some of our pregame rituals. “No is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence.” “Eye on the prize. Visualize our gifts at the end.” “Hands in. Timeshare on three. 1-2-3.” People who sell timeshares usually have a look. Offense. So we were slightly thrown off guard when our agent was not only younger than us but Black with some swag and street cred. His name was De’shaun, too. People who sell timeshares usually aren’t named that. They are usually named Chad, Brad, Chet, Brock, Chaz, Thad, or Tim E. Share. De’shaun knew that we didn’t want to be there. We knew that he didn’t want to be there. He knew that we would say no. We knew that we had to go along with his spiel. He was smooth as James called him, but the timeshare business is just not for people our age. It’s a tough sell. For starters, they tried to rebrand to Vacation Ownership instead of timeshare, but we could see through the ruse. It’s basically the same thing. We tried to politely explain that people our age do not always like traveling to the same destination over and over, and even if we had the luxury of going to different travel cities like you can with Vacation Ownership, part of the experience is finding eclectic, unique, and fun hotels or AirBNBs where you get immersed in the culture and city. Not staying in outdated hotels like this one. Why would we want vacationing to become a business? The selling point for owning a room at this Williamsburg resort was that they had free DVDs to check out and grills out the back patios of the room. Not to mention that the hotels they tried to “show off” in Italy and New Zealand were so bad that it actually made me not want to go there. Our breaking point came when we had to watch a two minute video of one of their resorts, but it just seemed like the opening to a bad porn. We watched a scantily clad woman emerge dripping wet from the pool only to then be rubbed down in their spa. It was weird, and we had to stifle back laughter. This was fun. We were having fun. We eventually let down De’Shaun easily. “It’s not you, bro. It’s us.” He saw it coming a mile away and didn’t even give us a fight. But it wasn’t over then. They make you go through the ringer before you are allowed to leave with their prizes. “Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s get ready to rumble.” “Introducing first… Coming out of the douchey corner, wearing his ostentatious suit and pinkie ring, standing 5 feet 9 inches and weighing the size of an asstwat, his credentials include white collar crime, making women pay on first dates, and getting his mom to call his ex-girlfriend and ask for the $100 she owes in water bills because she showered at his place three times. His record is 3-200 with selling timeshares. He’s made 50 people cry and has told De’Shaun at least 10 times that he has Black friends, so he’s allowed to say the n-word in rap songs. He’s known around Vacation Village. It’s BLANE, the Pain, WAYNE.” “Introducing second…coming out of the sleazy corner, wearing a power suit with two inch heels and reeking of cigarettes, standing also 5 feet 9 inches and weighing the size of a Karen on Ozempic, her credentials include calling the cops on children of color operating a lemonade stand without a permit, clutching her pearls and purse when a “thug” walks by, and reposting a political post with the caption, ‘louder for the people in the back.’ Her record is 5-100 with selling timeshares and has asked De’Shaun at least 10 times if she can touch his hair. She’s known around Williamsburg. It’s DONNA.” And then there was us. If anything were getting owned this day, it would be these fools. Byaaam bya bya bya bya byeeeaaaaaaamm. They put up a fight. I’ll give them that. Blane tried to sweeten the deal so many times that it makes you wonder if it were really so good why didn’t they offer us the first price to begin with. Donna went down swinging. Her departing line was, “Do you even like vacations?” before she stormed off in a huff. Why, yes, Donna, we enjoy them so much that we just got a free night out of this visit, a 2-night/3 day stay back to Williamsburg, and a 3-night/4 day stay in either Vegas or Florida. On top of our $200 Visa gift card. You’re now free to move about the country without being tied down to a vacation ownership. And that’s how James and Lauren didn’t buy a timeshare. Until next time… P.S. De’Shaun, get out. You can do better, dawg. James said that. Not me. CHECK OUT the NEW BOOK about Doug, KB, and Dead Mom on Amazon. Learn more here. First 3 people to tip me this month will get a signed Doug Wanoy copy of Henry's Hiccups for Deaf Awareness Month. And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments.
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