Most of us agree that the second year can be harder than the first. To be fair, I had been warned. Yet, the pain of the second year knocked me down in an earth-shattering way. The anniversary of my mom’s death came and went. I was thrust back into the start of the school year soon after. I didn’t have time to process what entering the second year meant. But, over time, I soon started to realize all of the nuances of Year 2. And I didn’t like them. To me, the griever, a year removed from my mom’s death is still very fresh. To me, the lifelong journey of my grief is just beginning. To everyone else who doesn’t get it, a year is so long ago. You start questioning your actions. “Am I still talking about her death way too much?” “Do people think I’m milking my sadness?” “Why does this still feel so hard?” The answer to that last question is it feels hard because it is hard. The second year of grief can be so much harder than the first, despite what people believe. Here is what 20–30-year-olds had to say about the second year after losing their parents. 1.) I’m in the second year and it is just horrible. — Jennifer 2.) I’m in Year 2 of my mom dying and am finding it to be a lot heavier than Year 1. Not as shocking as the first year, and I’ve definitely learned tools to handle it better. But Year 2 seems to be a deeper kind of grief as more time passes without her. I don’t think a lot of people who have been through this understand that things don’t just get better after the first year. — Lauren 3.) I think it was the realization that this is the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life. — Mike 4.) I’m expecting it to be worse. I lost my mom just a month ago, and we were very close. When my aunt, who was like a second mom, passed, I was ok on her first anniversary but broke down on her second. So I’m expecting the same or worse with Mom. It did get easier with my aunt after some years. It has been 16 now. So I’m hoping it will get easier after a few years go by. Yes, years…it will take lots of time, but it will get easier (hopefully). For all of us. — Janet 5.) 11 months for me. December 19th, 2023, was the worst day of my life by far. I don't know how I made it through these 11 months and surely have no idea how I will make it past the year. “She’s with you.” Yeah, I hear it and feel it. But the physical presence meant soooo much more. Everything is a milestone. -Kadie 6.) Just started on year 2…. So much harder….. — Tracey 7.) It is year 2 since my Mom passed. I think the reality sets in, and it is not any easier. I miss her so much. The phone calls every evening to make sure she is ok. All the visits are done. No, it is not easier. -Cheryl 8.) Year two is lonely. Mom is gone, but her traditions linger. Every family member has moved beyond shock to a new level of grief or coping. The unity in shock and pain is missing. — Julia 9.) I completely agree; the first year is shock and numbness, but the second year is when reality sets in. — Jeff 10.) For me, year 2 was better because I had experienced all the firsts. She died at the end of January, so she had been gone a while by the time the first holidays rolled around… so I wasn’t still in shock and felt the deep grief of the holidays without her. Once her 1 year passed, I felt a bit better. Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of hard times during year 2… but each year has gotten a bit better. — Becky 11.) Year two was hard! Bc I thought ok, it’s gonna get easier. Not the case; it was how has it been two years, how have I lived without her for 2 years, how? — Shanda 12.) My shock is gone and now reality sets in. — Marie 13.) About a month after my Mom passed away, I met someone who told me that the second year was worse. Definitely not what I wanted to hear. But absolutely true! I was glad to have been warned. Everyone thinks if you get past “the year of firsts,” then you’re good. But it’s not true at all. When they told me about year 2, they said that for the first year, you think they’re away. But by the second year, it starts to sink in that they aren’t coming back. — Gretchen 14.) Year 2 was especially hard since my dad was dating someone. I understood his wanting someone in his life to love and was angry at myself for being angry at the situation and her for leaving too soon. By the end of Year 2, it finally settled in my bones she was gone, and picking up my phone to call or text her stopped, and I accepted the situation. — Sara 15.) My mom died on Thanksgiving day of 2022. In year one, I was in shock, I kept busy to not feel the pain. Year two has been so hard and getting harder the closer we get to the 24th. It’s really settled in that she’s gone now that I’m truly starting to process. — Sarah 16.) Year two was worse. The reality sets in. The friends who haven’t experienced such great loss, their support no longer exists. People expect you to just move on. I was VERY close to my mom…its been so hard without her. I really miss the love my mom gave me. — AnnaMarie 17.) Year 2 was much worse. I think the reality of it sets in. In year 1, I kept telling myself to “get through” my 1st birthday without her, 1st Thanksgiving, 1st Christmas, etc. I focused on that and not so much on her actually being gone. So Year 2 hit really hard. I am in year 4, and I lost my Dad back in April, so it is back to now getting through everything without my parents. What a journey! — Melissa 18.) I think I was in a fog and numb during the first year. The second year was when the shock wore off. It was awful for me. I’m now in the third year, and I still have moments of very heavy grief, but it’s not quite as often as last year. — Hayley 19.) In year 2, the shock is gone. Only the deep-seated awareness that it isn’t going to change. She is gone and is not coming back. — Mary 20.) My mom died in March 2021. NYE, I was so sad and had a panic attack almost because I felt like it wasn’t fair to go into 2022 without her. Does that make sense? — Alicia 21.) Mine passed the day after my birthday, and I don’t know how I will handle it next year. I may stop celebrating birthdays or I may celebrate my life and hers. We’ll see. Sending love and hugs. — Janet 22.) Please tell me it isn’t true about year 2! It’s only been since Oct 8th, and every day, I dread waking up. The pain is unbearable. I keep wishing, praying that she will walk down the hall. I really can’t do this alone..and I’m all alone…with the exception of all of you, there is no one to hold me, to tell me it will be okay, to hug me, and let me weep on their shoulder. I am so alone — Tracy 23.) I’m in the 2nd year of losing my Mum suddenly to a heart attack. I was 32 at the time. I’ve found this year really hard and so different from the 1st year. The shock of it has gone, and you’re just left with the loss. I’m starting to get back to some sense of a normal life, and it will just hit me sometimes — my Mum died. It still doesn’t seem real, sometimes I feel like I’m living in an alternate reality. She feels further away from me now too. When she first died, I’d only seen her a week before, and I still felt so close to her. Now she feels so distant and I’m scared of that feeling getting worse, of the memory of her slipping away. Also, everyone around you has moved on and forgets to check in and ask how you’re doing. One of my neighbours, who I barely know, asked me how I was coping the other da,y and it made me cry because none of my family or close friends even ask anymore. My advice would be to do what you can to hold on to the parent you lost and keep their memory alive. Have photos of them around, talk about them, go to places you went to with them, and find your own way of keeping them in your life, even if they can’t be there physically anymore. — Lucy 24.) I haven’t gotten to year 2 yet; my dad’s 1st death anniversary is coming next month. I always assumed 2nd year was going to feel worse than the 1st. Every day, I am further away from him, from having seen him, talked to him, heard his laugh, etc. This whole first year feels like maybe he could just be in the hospital or something. But now it’s like my body is realizing he is truly gone. — Katie 25.) I’m a week into year two, and it’s very different. In year on,e I was holding my breath to get to year two; now I’m figuring it out. — Kayley 26.) Just wanted to share that I’m approaching year 2 and feel the same way as you- it’s about to be my second round of holidays without her, and it feels just empty. The loss is just prominent, and the realization that she isn’t coming back is even greater. Definitely a deeper and different kind of grief on some days; it feels like it happened years ago, and some days it feels like it just happened this week. People don’t really ask about it anymore, and it almost feels like I don’t deserve the same kind of “sympathy” in year 2 as I did in year 1, almost like I should’ve grieved it by now and should be okay. — Caroline 27.) I am in the middle of year 2 and it definitely is different than year 1. The “shock” has faded, but the reality of it hits even harder. I could be having a normal, “good” day, and I’ll have random intrusive thoughts like, “But your Mom is dead.” And then it just strikes all over again. I find the longing and yearning have become worse for me. As I go on to live this new normal, I find myself in more situations where I just want to talk to her and keep her updated with my life. I, too, feel a little more distant from her, but this is where conscious effort has to be made to keep her memory alive. Talking about her, listening to her favorite music, going to places you’ve been with her. It can be difficult, but I think it’s necessary to keep that alive. The yearning will never go away, and for me, that’s one of the biggest hurdles I’m learning to navigate through,h and I will for the rest of my life. — Andrea I know it won’t be this bad forever. Grief still comes in waves. It’s nice to know that I am not alone and that there is a whole community out there that understands. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If this is you and you are in Year 2, hang in there. I’m right there with you. If you know someone who is in Year 2, understand that grief has no timeline and that time doesn’t always make it better immediately.
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