Does Barstool’s KBNoSwag Suffer From Toxic Masculinity

Lauren Barrett

KB - a boy who marches to the beat of a different drummer. ​

KB- a boy who’s got the beat.

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KB- a boy who doesn’t miss a beat.

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KB- a boy who goes off the beaten track ​

KB - a boy who, if he can’t beat ‘em, joins ‘em.

All right, I’m done beating around the bush. 

KB does a lot of beating. 

Off the top of my head, though, not on the wrestling mats of Kent State (aye-oh, Shots fired. Certainly not the first time they’ve been directed at a Kent State student. Aye-oh). 

But that wasn’t always the case. 

KB used to be a deadbeat wrestler who lost to a girl at the ripe and impressionable age of 6 years old. The girl even had the balls, or lack thereof, to be named Devin. She had to shove it in Kyle’s face that she even had a manlier name than him. 

Losing to a girl is enough to scar a young boy for eternity. KB was not immune to this way of thinking.  

And that memory has been etched into his brain forever. 

“Never again will I be beaten by a girl,” he menacingly scribbled in his Goblin journal. 

He took what he penned very seriously. 

Folks, this is a dark tale of your friend KB. One I have been hesitant to discuss, for I do not want to be victim shamed or gaslit into believing that my feelings and my stories are invalid. 

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When I saw what happened to Steven Cheah on the gym mats of Barstool Sports Headquarters’ basketball courts a year ago, the memories I had been suppressing resurfaced and triggered an onslaught of flashbacks. 

Girl. 

Slammed. 

Head. 

Injured. 

Excessive apologies. 

Remorse.

This tale was all too familiar. Cheah was another notch on KB’s belt. If I didn’t speak up now, who would? And worse yet, who would be KB’s next victim? 

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Lauren - Should I sit right here? 

Interviewer (off camera): Yes, right there. Make yourself comfortable. Thanks for coming in today. Are you ready? 

Lauren - I’m ready to tell my story. 

Screen goes dark. 

Lauren - I never knew how much that loss to a girl affected Kyle. I thought he was a normal-ish boy growing up. 

Sure, he was competitive. He was really keen on beating me at things. 

Interviewer: What things? 

Lauren - Well, there was the Tic-Tac-Toe incident that was captured on film. He really wanted to beat me at that, and apparently, he thumped me in the nose. You can hear me screaming on camera. I was labeled as “dramatic.” 

Then, there was the infamous Geography Bee usurping. I would rather not relive that event again. 

I also recall a downhill mile race in Wheeling. It was this yearly race where everyone started at the top and ran to the bottom. It was deemed as the “fastest mile in America.” Wheeling loved downhill things. Downhill Irish Bowling. Downhill Potato Sack Races. Double Down Downhill is a two-legged race downhill. Downhill for Downs - an event where everyone just kind of rolled downhill for Down Syndrome Awareness Day. 

Anyway, Kyle was hillbent (hill pun) on beating me in this race. Running was my thing. But he was willing to sacrifice, come hill or high water (hill pun), his life, so it seems by the photo evidence, to beat me. In the end, he didn’t. But his fate was sealed. A monster was unleashed in him, just like when Devin beat him. He was going to hold a grudge.

I used to scour my brain for what I ever did wrong to Kyle, but after years of therapy, I learned that I was an outlet to Kyle’s toxic masculinity. ‘Devin really did a number on your brother,’ my therapist said. ‘You, Lauren, are a symbol of all girls for Kyle since you are the closest girl to him.’

It’s taken some time, but I’m learning to unlearn some of those negative thoughts I had about myself, thanks to Kyle. I’ve stopped blaming myself. I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to talk about the Incident. 

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​CHECK OUT the NEW BOOK about Doug, KB, and Dead Mom on Amazon. Learn more here. 

Screen fades to a Black. 

James (Lauren’s husband) - Can you hear me okay? Is this mic working? Okay. Check. Check. Cool. What’s the Incident? Laughs. I almost didn’t marry her because of it. 

Amy (cousin of Lauren and Kyle) - The Incident was strange. That’s all I will say. I don’t like to take sides. 

Greg Bauer (aka Doug Wanoy and father of Lauren and Kyle) - I’ve never been more disappointed in both of my children at the same time than after the Incident. 

Lauren - Yeah so, we were in NJ for my cousin’s wedding. June 2013. 

B-roll footage of the wedding. 

Lauren - We liked to play cornhole at my Nanny’s house. In the front yard. Kyle was still in college at the time. I’d say he was like 19. I was 23. James and I had been dating for a year. This was his first time in NJ. 

It was your typical day. Not too hot. Not too cold. The sun was beating down. 

I had no idea that I was about to get a beating. 

Sinister music. 

Sarah (cousin of Lauren and Kyle) - I think someone brought a football out. It might have been Jack Bauer. 

Brian Bauer (brother of Greg and uncle of Kyle and Lauren aka Syd Barrett aka The Card Guy) - The Bauers are a competitive bunch, so I’m sure that merely tossing the football turned into some type of game. 

Nanny (grandmother of Lauren and Kyle) - I was inside getting together the Chinese food we were going to eat when I heard screaming. Shutters. 

Interviewer: Are you ready? 

Lauren - Sniffles. Brushes tears away. Yeah. I’m ready. 

So we were tossing the football around. Kyle. Me. My cousins. Our dads. No real game had ensued. We were just playing for fun. 

At one point, I had the ball, and Kyle was my lone defender. Starts sobbing. 

Oh my, I’m so sorry. It’s all so much. 

His eyes shot daggers at me like a conscious pilot about to nail down the enemy. A sweat-infused musk permeated from his underarms. He looked at me like an ex looking at his former twit, her name Tess LaBourne. His cauliflower ears pulsed in a jiffy up in steam like the smoke from a flight crashing into an island. He was about to jimmy the ball out from my hands and have my Brooks shoes slipping out from me on the ground so hard that I would need a wheelchair. I was a sitting drake in Kyle’s game of duck, duck, goose. He started from the bottom, and now we were here. This was Kyle’s biggest con. Yay for me. He was about to play his trump card. He’d been biden’ his time ever since Devin. Kyle had me like a baby in the palm of his well-oiled hands. Revenge doesn’t pick sides. Revenge doesn’t care about family. All some men want is power with a capital P. Did he, Kyle, want that?

The answer was yes.  

He came charging at me like a bull out of his cage. He scooped me up in one fell swoop and body slammed my head into the ground, the ball coming loose from my hands and dancing its way across the yard. But it didn’t matter. The damage had been done. 

Kyle stared at me with horror in his eyes. What had he done? 

And like a dormant volcano waiting to erupt from years of pent-up energy, a demon burst from within me. 

Vile and cruel vitriol spewed out of my mouth as I raced like hot lava toward Kyle. 

Anything in my path left a trail of destruction behind me. 

I picked up the innocent bean bags from cornhole and hurled them at Kyle, hoping to inflict as much pain as he had on me. I screamed. I lashed out. 

‘What have you done, Kyle? What have you done? Why? Why? Why?’ 

We did this song and dance throughout the entire front yard until my innards had cooled, and I went to the backyard to melt into the arms of my really perplexed husband, boyfriend at the time. 

Everyone was confused. Kyle sheepishly apologized. I looked like the deranged one, and he was yet another victim in the way of a hysterical woman. 

So that’s what I did. I became the part. I laughed it off. I claimed I was on my period or something else silly girls get. I altered the story to deem fit. I overreacted. I was dramatic. I was to blame. 

I ran with the ruse even after I witnessed the way Kyle ridiculed pregnant Kate. 

I spun the supertuge even after I watched the way Kyle manhandled Cheah. 

I sat silently for years until the right date came around, and I was ready to tell my story. 

My brother is not who you think he is. And he’s made you a purl, fools, with all the intertwining yarns he spins. 

Now you know the truth.


Screen goes dark. 
End credits. 

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