An alternate title to this blog is My (Brief) Thoughts on Thoughts and Prayers. 

For once this blog will be fairly short, but I was thinking back on my mom's death and related it to a book I just finished reading, "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People."  

It got me thinking on the way we talk about thoughts and prayers, and I wanted to caution people to shift how they talk about prayers, especially around people suffering and grieving and especially around little kids. 

As soon as I got the call from my dad that my mom had a brain bleed and was in a coma, I texted my friends and family and asked for prayers. 

Those prayers and knowing that everyone was collectively thinking of our family helped get me through the next 24 hours, the worst of my life. 

Those prayers helped me get through the death of my mom, the funeral, and all the days afterward as I still intensely grieve. 

It wasn't until I went home to WV to the funeral that I really starting thinking about prayers and the way we speak about them when someone is suffering or gets sick. 

While home I overheard a conversation at the funeral of someone speaking how all the prayers for a family member of hers were working to help make the person who is sick better. Wonderful news! 

​But if I hadn't long ago shifted my thoughts on prayers, I might have had more bitter and angry thoughts as I stood next to my mom's body. 

"Well, why didn't all the prayers for my mom heal her?" 
"I must not have prayed hard enough." 
"I must not have gotten enough people to pray for her." 
"I guess God doesn't like me or my mom enough." 

Now imagine in this scenario that I was a little girl standing next to her deceased mom who was sick. Or maybe I was instead a little boy whose little brother is dying from cancer.

If this child hears that someone else's prayers to God cured this stranger's loved one but not her/his own loved one, and no adult is there to explain this conversation to him/her, their relationship with God might be forever changed. 

They might have intense guilt. "I was tired that one night before bed and forgot to pray. Maybe that's why my mom died. This is all my fault." 

They might have anger. "God doesn't love my family enough. Why should I love Him back?" 

They might have fear. "God must be punishing me and our family because He doesn't like us as much as He likes this other family. What else will He do to us?" 

I can imagine moving forward this child might have a very complicated, shaky relationship with God if things don't get cleared up quickly. 

And in this scenario we could substitute the child for anyone who might already be questioning God. 

I have long stopped crediting prayers for a specific outcome beyond our control.

A prayer to God asking for the results of a cancer biopsy won't change the results because the results are already known. The same with prayers stopping natural disasters. 

Imagine two families praying for a tornado to not destroy their neighborhood. One child's home and neighborhood are spared. The other child's house is demolished and friends and family members are killed. 

The one family whose home remains intact praises God for answering their prayers and saving their family. The child goes to school and says how it's because of their prayers to God that kept them safe. The other child whose home was destroyed and whose loved ones lost their lives overhears this. How does this make her feel? 

I don't believe that God chooses to cure and spare some people while allowing other people, including and especially kids, to suffer and die. 

I don't believe He works that way.

I think He is always on the side of the sufferer.

No, instead when I asked for prayers I took great comfort in knowing that I wasn't alone through all this. 

I think that's the power of prayer. That we are not alone. 

We pray for strength to help us with all the hard times. 

We pray that God doesn't harden our hearts to the world. 

We pray for patience as we deal with our suffering. 

We pray for gratitude to help us remember all the blessings we still have.

We pray for the courage to continue to face the world amongst all our suffering. 

We pray for comfort for when the pain gets unbearable. 

We pray for hope that one day our suffering will end and that we will see the person we love again in Heaven. 

That's the shift in praying that I think we all need. 

When I was pregnant I wrote this article for a magazine, and I think this excerpt taken from it is more poignant and relevant than ever....

I was at an all time low in the pregnancy. The morning sickness had reached its peak. My stomach hurt. My head ached. I was beyond tired. I had thrown up multiple times. I was feeling what I imagine to be heartburn or something brewing in my lower chest. My appetite was pretty nonexistent. Week 10 was definitely the worst. I was feeling sorry for myself and having thoughts like If I can't even deal with being sick, how am I going to be a mom? There is so much worse happening in the world, and I am complaining about this. I feel so weak. How do other women do this? I can barely cope, and I don't even have to work. What's wrong with me? While those thoughts were milling around in the back of my head, something happened that began to change my perspective. 

I have always been a big believer in the positive power of prayer. No, I do not think praying will stop bad things from happening. Bad things will still always happen. I do, though, believe prayer will change the way we view, perceive, and look at bad things. The more we pray, the more we can gain positive control of a situation rather than slipping into despair.

So there I was at the airport throwing the ultimate pity party for myself and silently weeping over how I could possibly endure any more weeks of feeling this way. The negative thinking was spinning out of control. That was until I sat down on a random seat in the airport and felt something underneath me. I pulled the object out from under me, and it was a rosary. I teared up, stuck the rosary in my purse, and began to pray and pray and pray until slowly my mind started shifting.

I would love to say that the sickness miraculously disappeared, but it didn't. In fact, it got slightly worse, for when I arrived home after the flight, I puked violently three times.

But instead I received something better - the clarity that suffering is a part of life, and there is something meaningful at the end of it...

The same thing happened the other week. I was again having the ultimate pity party for myself and weeping from the pain of missing my mom so much. 

I remembered what they said in my grief support group. Pray. Not pray to take away the pain and suffering but pray for a little bit of comfort in your time of sorrow. 

In my haste to leave the house, I grabbed an old purse from the shelf. In it I found three things that instantly brought me comfort and a slight smile to my face. 

1. A ticket stub from when my mom and I went to her 55+ community's dessert and theater production in their clubhouse where we spent the whole time stifling laughter at how bad the acting was (They tried). 
2. A pocket-sized manual on how to pray the rosary. 
3. The exact rosary that I found at the airport that day I was pregnant. 

My mom loved praying the rosary, so I took the manual and the rosary and drove to church to pray. 

The prayers will never take away the pain I have from missing my mom, but they give me comfort when I get tired from mourning. They give me strength when I feel weak. They give me calls and texts from family and friends when I feel alone. They give me the clarity to see the beauty of a butterfly floating by or a flower blooming when everything seems dark. 

They give me hope. 

​I'd love to hear your thoughts on prayers...

This might be my stupidest blog to date, but I'm certainly not above it. 

For each blog that I punctiliously pen doesn't always need to be a rung on my stepladder of avarice to earn me merits and accolades from a species of humans who are enamoured with rickets and blue raspberries and armored with knowledge of Violet Beauregarde and Bethany Hamilton (someone literally needs to "arm her"). 

My prophetic prose need not be suffused with synonymic language that I perused in the thesaurus in order to showcase that I attended the prestigious university of Indiana University of Pennsylvania (IUP).

No, sometimes the blogs that I carefully craft are devoid of worth and are a two-demenstial street view, at best. 

Sometime I like to write shallow blogs that objectify men by inserting really bad puns about them and saying stuff that I would never do in real life. 

Sometimes, I like to write blogs that are quirky and goofy and a little bit silly. Like me. Tehe. Sue me. 💁🏽‍♀️

This blog is dedicated to my mom who loved shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette and Love is Blind and who used to love telling me the celebrities that she found "so cute [Simon Peter, the apostle and Will Compton]" but "it's not like they stirred her loins because I'm old and I think that would be a sin, Lauren." 🤢

If I had to hear her say that, so do you. 

​Without further ado, here are the hunks. *I'm 34-years old for reference.*

We here at Teen's Go Rogue (just like I went rogue with this blog), love a good list. 

So break out your pumpkin because things are about to get spicey. Oww Oww. 

I know, I know. I'm jumping on the bandwagon here.

​Three points to clarify...

1. I knew who Travis Kelce was before Taylor Swift. 
2. I am not a Swiftie, but I'm not not a fan. When her music comes on, I'm pleasantly surprised at how many songs I know and love. 
3. Taylor Swift did cause me to look more into this man. 

And...
I like him! Sure, he can be corny, cringey, and even lame, but I can be all of that too.

I'd butt fumble into his tight end all day (Does that even make sense?)

Gingers and British. Yes, please.

One could give me insights into Hogwarts and the other could sing to me "Thinking Out Loud." 

I'll take either. 

Yes, Noah James (34) is technically the one who plays Andrew, the Apostle on The Chosen. 

But I don't find Noah James attractive, I find Andrew attractive. 

How hot would it be to have someone perform miracles for you and heal you?

Headache - healed
Sprained ankle - healed

Plus, Andrew could use a little love. Jesus was always picking Peter, James, and John to do stuff.

Why not Andrew? Peter is his brother. 

Andrew is probably the brooding guy with a chip on his shoulder that probably wants to prove how special he is. 

I love baseball, so I probably could have picked baseball players to make up 90% of my list (Sorry Corey Seager, just like the Rangers, you came close but couldn't quite win it all) , but if I have to choose one it would be this guy. He's a homerun in my books. 

This hunky bod studmuffin of a man is on my list. Just, watch out, the minute he opens his mouth to speak whatever nonsense he usually sputters, he's off it. 

No problem. I'll just teach him a few basic signs and then stare at him. We will get along swimmingly.

Yes, I like The Summer I Turned Pretty. Yes, I'm Team Jelly. Yes, the character Jeremiah Fischer is on my list. Yes, I am a 34 year old woman. No, the actor who plays Jeremiah, Gavin Casalegno (24-years old) is not on my list. There's a difference. 

The actor takes way too many artsy, model-like photos that are a turn off. 
​
The character, Jeremiah Fischer (2nd season...1st season he looks like a child), is perfection. 

One of my favorite shows, Community, has one of my favorite characters ever, Troy Barnes who plays another favorite character, Abed Nadir. 

"Troy and Abed in the morning." 

Much to my delight my husband informed me that Troy is played by Donald Glover who also is the Childish Gambino. The versatility and the good looks on this man are impressive. 

I'm still trying to figure how in The Hunger Games Katniss Everdeen chose Peeta over Gail who is played by the gorgeous Australian hunk, Liam Hemsworth. I was rooting for Miley and him, but in the end, she didn't pick him either. 

​Well, I do, Liam. I do. 

So....technically this guy isn't really famous, but he did star alongside his sister in Netflix's hit reality TV show, Dated and Related, that I'm sure everyone has watched. 

Actually, the show is terrible and not in a "so bad it's good" way (Like Love on a Leash that I've been begging Kyle to watch for years now). Each person on it was extremely bland, but I looked each one up on Instagram to learn more about them and to see if they had some depth. 

Only two people did. Corrina Roppo and her brother Joey Roppo. Joey is an all-American guy. He's an unproblematic basketball player/singer/dancer who loves the Lord and his family and knows how to stay humble and kind.

If Kyle and I were single, I would have signed us up in two winks of a coal miner's eye, and I would have snagged Joey and Kyle, Corrina. 

This guy is what started this whole list. 

As I was re-watching the Kissing Booth franchise series with my cousins as one does to marvel at the cinematic masterpiece that it is, I proclaimed that Taylor Zakhar Perez is the most attractive man on this universe* and that no one, and I mean no one, could find me someone more attractive and that *SPOILER ALERT* Elle (Joey King) had the audacity to choose Noah Flynn (too-tall Jacob Elordi) over the Adonis and Greek god that is Marco (Taylor Zakhar Perez) is lightyears beyond my comprehension. 

Congratulations, Taylor!

*But not more attractive than my husband

#11 Jonathan Daviss, 23: As one of the stars of Outer Banks, Daviss might be a little young for me, but he can find my treasure any day. 😶

#12 Simu Liu, 34: Beloved for his role on Kim's Convenience and convenient to look at too. Winky face. 

#13 Luke Grimes, 39: Don't watch Yellowstone, but I did watch the Beginners Guide to Happiness, and I'll have a wild time with him anytime. 

#14 Shaun White, 37, short hair: The 3-time Olympic gold medalist in snowboarding melts my heart. 

#15 Steph Curry, 35: I swish you were mine. 

#16 Andrew Garfield, 40: Such a sweet guy. We could bond over the loss of our moms in our 30s. 

#17: Patrick Mahomes, 28: Sorry, Patty, just like Brittany is to Taylor. You are to Travis. I might actually replace Mahomes with Seager. 

#18 Matthew, the Apostle, 2013 (Paras Patal, 37): You can tell me the genealogy of Jesus all day, baby

#19: Thomas Rhett, 33: I could die a happy woman with you. 

#20 Derek Theler, 36: The hit star of the hit show, Bab Daddy can be my Baby Daddy anytime. 

That's our list, folks. Continue to reading to learn what influencers pack in their bags because I'm sure you would have no idea to pack your own bag without this tutorial. 

Buy me a coffee if you liked this blog. 
​
And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments. ​

I never wanted to be an unofficial "expert" on grief (aka experience it firsthand), but here I am. 

When I experience something or someone close to us experiences something, I dive in and read and read and read. My mom was the same way. We comb through the helpful advice and discard the unhelpful advice. 

When I got pregnant, I read pretty much every parenting blog and book out there. I did the same when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and then started to experience insomnia. When I learned that being non-racist wasn't good enough, and I had to be an antiracist, I read. 

Now, I'm grieving, and I'm doing the same. Reading books. Going to grief support group. Joining Facebook Groups. Poring through Instagram posts on grief. I want to know if what I'm feeling and thinking is crazy. I want to find that I'm not alone. I want some hope that things aren't always going to feel this bad. 

Here's the thing. There are a lot of people out there who are silently grieving a loss of someone. 

So, I decided to put together a list of what grief can feel like after someone dies. These are common thoughts that, not only I'm thinking and feeling, but I've read and heard that other people have experienced too. 

These thoughts are mostly for out-of-order deaths. Deaths when a parent dies too young and when their children are still too young. Deaths when siblings die too young. Deaths when a spouse dies too young. Deaths when a close friend dies too young. Deaths when a child dies before a parent much too young.  Deaths when the person who died should have had 20, 30, 40, 50 + more years. 

I'm recording all this now while it is still very fresh and early. It'll be interesting to look back on this years from now and see how I've changed. 

It might sound like I'm rambling when I record these thoughts and feelings down below. But that is what grief is. It isn't neat and orderly. It's messy and chaotic and sporadic and incoherent and illogical most of the time. 

I hope you find a tiny bit of solace that you aren't alone. And if you aren't grieving, I hope it helps you understand what your loved one is going through. 

Grief, at least in the very early stages, is all consuming. You think about little else. You have no idea what is going on in the news (except that Taylor Swift watched Travis Kelce play). You have really no idea what is going on in other people's lives. It feels selfish. But it isn't that you don't care. It's that your brain isn't capable right now of taking on much of anything else. Your brain is protecting you. 

Grief feels like a hole in your chest and stomach. It throbs. It lingers. It feels empty. It longs for the past and the way things were. 

Grief looks differently for everyone. It has no timeline. It has no stages. Year 2 might be harder than Year 1.

Your life is now very distinctly divided into two parts: BEFORE and AFTER. Sometimes you spend hours trying to live in the before. 

I usually look for the lesson during hard times, but my mom didn't need to die for me to be taught a lesson. I already appreciate life. I already didn't take her for granted. I already immensely enjoyed our time together. What was the lesson? Sometimes there is no lesson. Sometimes we just aren't meant to know the answers. It's God's Plan, and we will know once we die and it will all make sense. 

I'm really happy for my mom. I know she is in Heaven. But I'm so, so sad for me. I miss her. So much.

Your mission becomes getting to Heaven and everyone you know to Heaven. Hopefully, though, not for a long, long time. 

People say that my mom wouldn't want be to me unhappy. I say back to that, "Well, I didn't want my mom to die, so we can't get everything we want now can we, Mom." 😉

I'm not just mourning the loss of my mom. I'm grieving the loss of our family dynamics. Our future. Our dreams. My mom and dad's relationship. My mom's relationship with my brother. My mom's relationship with my son. The other kids who I thought I would have had by now and whom my mom will never meet. And I'm grieving so much more. 

I'm also grieving the loss of me. I realize that I'll never be the same person I once was. 

You also mourn the death that you thought you would have had with her. In my mind, I pictured it 20+ years down the road. She is lying in bed with the sun streaming in. We play her favorite music. We all hold her hands and share happy memories. It's sad, but we relish in the fact that she had a long, happy life with us. In reality, I got none of that. It was quick. It was traumatic. There were no sounds except for the haunting noises of the hospital. I couldn't breathe.  And I couldn't even look at her while she died because I thought I would have a panic attack and couldn't accept the fact that this was really happening. Like maybe if I shut my eyes real tight that this would all just be a nightmare.  

You replay the events leading up to the death over and over. The call. The wait. The drive. The first look. The crying. The anger. The looks on everyone's faces as they one-by-one come into the hospital room. The decisions. The watching her die. The slow walk back to the car when you look out and realize the world didn't stop after the worst thing that's ever happened to you happened. 

You go over all the things, and I mean all the things, you did during the last month together and try to make sense how someone so alive is now dead.  Trip to waterfall. Picnic. Lake. Hiking. Swimming. Family dinners. Mini Golf. Science Museum. Sleepovers. Eye Spy in the Car. Sitting on her bed laughing. Mall. Dinner. Concert. Beach. Laughing in Church at My Dad's Getting Sunscreen in His Eyes. More dinner. Ice Cream. Ferry ride. Phone Calls. FaceTime. Trivia. Hug. Dead. 

You try to assign a reason to why she died. For me, I thought maybe she was going to get diagnosed with dementia shortly after and she wouldn't want us to see that in her. But this is fruitless. It's unfair. We still should have had so many good times left.

You scroll through pictures, videos, texts, cards, journals constantly. Realizing that this is all you have. All you have left of their voice. All you have left of their words. All you have left are the memories and love. 

You don't want to get rid of anything. Her laundry because it still smells like her. The clothes she wore to the hospital that day. The food she had to eat. Her phone number pinned to the top of your phone. Everything that is hers. You want to keep it all. 

You want to be kinder and more compassionate to anyone who has ever gone through this or something similar. 

You want to talk about the person you loved who died every second of every day. The memories. The death. All of it. 

You allow yourself to be happy for just a little. Then, you immediately feel bad when it's over. How can I feel happy when my mom is dead? 

Sometimes you're fine or appear to be fine. You carry on. You have normal conversations. You laugh. You make jokes about death and how you no longer have a mom alive. You do everyday tasks. You truly do feel fine in that moment. Grieving people don't need to be analyzed. Sometimes you really are fine. And sometimes you just want to pretend to be fine in that moment. BUT it doesn't mean that you are "over it" or have "moved on." It doesn't mean that you are no longer deeply sad. There is none of that. Grief will always be there. 

You want to make the most of the time you have left on Earth AND you want to stay sad forever because being sad means you still feel close to her. 

You are so scared to forget. Right now I can hear her voice, know what she would say in a certain situation, picture the way she walked and what her body looked like, her mannerisms. I can look into a room, a place, etc and visualize clearly her being there. Forgetting all of that is terrifying. Knowing my son won't really remember her besides the memories we share of her is even more so. 

The pain is my reminder of our amazing times together. 

You become scared more people you love will die premature deaths. 

You now want to capture every moment. 

You don't want to die. You realize that you have so many people to live for and experience life with. BUT you aren't afraid to die anymore. 

You'll never "get over" this. It isn't something to conquer. 

You are hyperaware of your loved one's absence in everything you do. For a split second or minute you forget, and the reminder punches you in the gut. 

Knowing that you might live 50+ years without your loved one knocks the breath out of you. Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe. You feel like you're suffocating. You scream inside of your head, "Please, Mom, God, please please help me calm down in this moment." 

A lot of people grieving have silent screams trapped inside of their heads all day. 

Saying their names doesn't remind us that they died. It reminds us that they lived. Say their names. Share memories of them. We might cry. We might tear up. That's okay.

We aren't sorry for talking about our loved one or writing about them or posting about them. We aren't sorry if people feel uncomfortable with our sadness. 

Knowing that I won't see my mom again the rest of my life on Earth is an impossible thought. 

So sometimes I have to pretend that she isn't dead. She's just away somewhere where she can't communicate, so I write letters to her everyday to send to her. 

Hope does come. It comes in the form of my son's laughing and playing. My husband's sharing a memory of my mom. My brother's and dad's texts that I look forward to everyday. It comes from family members and friends checking in. It comes from my support group and freely being able to talk about my mom with people who understand. It comes from seeing signs from my mom. 

You realize that everything that will make you happy in this life will also make you a little bit sad because you can't share it with your loved one anymore. You actually don't ever want to stop being sad.

You have guilt. Guilt of any fight you've ever had. Guilt of anytime you didn't want to answer her call or said "no" to doing something with her. Because now you know just how short life truly is. But it isn't fair because everyone has fights. Everyone cancels plans. Everyone can't answer every call and FaceTime. Forgive yourself. 

You worry about your child. You worry they will forget your loved one. You worry that your child will think of you as the sad mom. You worry that you are relying on them too much because they make you so happy in a world right now that is so sad. It isn't their responsibility to make you happy.  You know this. However, you can't help wanting to hug them all the time. 

You realize that there is no recovery. Recovery means a return to your normal state. Your normal state is no more. It can't be. And that's okay. 

Grief is lonely no matter how many people you have around you who love and support you. Because only you can truly go through your own grief. Only you had the kind of relationship you had with your loved one. No one else. 

But being around people who understand helps. A lot. And having a support team helps. A lot. 

Grief doesn't need to be fixed and distracted all the time. Grief isn't a disorder. Sometimes it's good to just be sad. 

But distractions are nice from time to time. Your brain can't think about death 24/7. 

Grief can make you quiet. Very quiet. Large social settings are even tougher. 

Emotions change hourly in grief. 

Seeing life move on is so, so hard. You know that it has to, but it doesn't make it any easier. 

You worry that people won't stick around while you are still so sad. You worry that one day they will tell you to stop writing about your mom. Stop posting about her. Stop talking about her. They want and expect you to "move on." Their uncomfortableness around you is evident. They stop asking you to do things. They stop calling and texting you. Your grief makes them too sad, like grief is contagious or something. You pray that that doesn't happen. Because you can't stop writing about her. Can't stop talking about her. And you absolutely can't move on. You know that life won't always look like it does now. But the love my mom and I have for each other is. It's not our love was. The love will always be kept alive in your heart and how can you not talk about something that is alive in your heart? 

Reaching out is hard. It requires a lot of effort to express what you need. And sometimes you don't have it in you to talk about anything other than your loved one or what happened. You really appreciate the people who just "show up" and continue to reach out. 

And I will finish with a quote from Megan Devine, "Here is what grieving people want you to know: We love you. We still love you, even if our lives have gone completely dark, and you can't seem to reach us. Please stay. It's an immense relief to spend time with people who can be with the reality of grief without saying much. It's a relief to be with people who can roll with whatever comes up - from laughing maniacally to sobbing uncontrollably in the space of a few minutes....you can't do this perfectly, and we don't expect you to. You can only aim toward more love." 

Here are some books and resources that I have felt comforted in reading. They are helpful if you are grieving or know someone who is grieving. We really don't talk about grief as we should since death is the one thing that will happen to everyone. It should be taught in school and beyond. 

• It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine 
• Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha W. Hickman 
• Healing After the Loss of Your Mother: A Grief and Comfort Manual by Elaine Mallon
• Imagine Heaven: Near-Death Experiences, God's Promises, and the Exhilarating Future That Awaits You by John Burke
• How to Help a Grieving Friend - a 3-page essay
• Refuge in Grief on Instagram
• Untangle Grief on Instagram

One of the best things I read about grief...​⬇️

I wasn't going to write my mom's origin story I had spent a summer blogging about our family and trying to make Barstool fans laugh. I had no more stories left in me. 

But one day, I had a spark of inspiration and the words started to pour out of my keyboard faster than Doug Wanoy composing a Tweet about trans athletes.

When I was finished, I sat down next to her and let her read it for approval. She read it twice and we laughed and laughed together. 

"Do you think people will like it, Lauren?" 
"Will they laugh?" 

Please read her origin story first in order to understand her death story. 

*Some events in this story have been exaggerated or slightly altered for dramatic effect.*

My mom, although very active and healthy (She had worked out religiously and had eaten her oatmeal and fruit salad every day), had always been lackluster in the genetics and luck departments.

While that might sound harsh to you, when you come from or marry into a family who is constantly boasting the best traps at the body bar, never missing a day of work because Doug has willed away every sickness and cold he's ever had, or surviving brain aneurysm surgery like I did 4 years ago, lack of luck with your health will get you ridiculed.

And my poor mom was no exception. When we would all pull up our health charts to review with one another, we would scoff at her long list of procedures and surgeries that oozed with her trying to be unlucky and unhealthy like her breast cancer, skin cancer, three brain aneurysms, potential risk for dementia, fractured shoulders, broken wrists, and osteoporosis compared to one of our “Going to The Hospital for Taking Too Many Weed Gummies” or "Going to the Hospital Because She Couldn't Sleep for One Night" in a game of Who Has the Best Medical Records.

“I wonder who is going to die first?” we would say dripping with sarcasm.

HOWEVER, before you start to pity poor Mrs. Bauer, know this, my mother would not be deterred and was tenacious in her own sense, especially when it came to her precious family.

Despite her lack of ability in both genetics and luck she made up for that in her desire to always do what was best for us even if it was a tad bit extreme. 

She would come to every cross country meet of mine in college and insist that I bring my dirty laundry, so she could wash, fold, and iron it and give it back a week later at the next meet. So I would have to lug my dirty laundry bag onto the bus and embarrassingly hand it over to my mommy. 

She called every apartment complex in New York City to make sure Kyle had a place to live after he "forgot" that he had to be out of his apartment in two days. 

She meticulously would iron and set out my dad's clothes everyday because he's colorblind. 

She would bemoan all her prayers and worries about us to God as He tried to inject quips that we were all doing all right. 

"I know your son tried cocaine once but at least he's 'no Cain.' Ha Ha. Get it? Cain killed Abel out of jealousy. Did you find that funny, Jonette? Jonette? You still there?" 

​"Yeah..."

But God's comment was brushed away only to be reminded that Kyle might have denounced Him, the Holy Father, once on the Yak (he didn't). 

For she was our biggest cheerleader and ultimately the most selfless person to us at that time. 

And like any good Mom who loves their family, there bounds to come a time when she has a killer idea (pun intended) that would literally kill her. 

And for our mother that time was the Coma Incident.

My mom found out she had a third brain aneurysm in the spring of 2023, and no one in the family, including her, thought anything of it. 

And, little did they know, they also began to live and breath like she was dying over the next few months. 

"Lauren, we just scheduled our Bucket List trip to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons with my friends for June. Lauren, Kyle's girlfriend just texted me. I think she really likes me. I like her too. I'm so glad we are all going to be together in New Jersey in July. This is all the best news.." 

"Mom, I just told you that we are adopting. Can we speak about this later? I need to finalize the papers." 

But as March turned into April and April into May and June, my mom began to pivot. If you know my mom, you know that she can pivot better than any Olympic figure skater. 

"I'm worried that if I don't schedule this brain aneurysm soon then I won't be able to help Kyle with his move to Chicago" 

"I'm concerned that your in-laws are going to have to watch your son while I recover from the surgery. I need to schedule it before you go back to work full time, so I'm not a burden to them." 

"Lauren, I scheduled the surgery for August 18. It's your birthday weekend, but we will do something when I get home from the hospital...." ​

Well, as the story goes, my mom did, in fact, have brain aneurysm surgery on August 18. 

Things went well from the start for our precious mom. She was on the phone with Gap before the surgery trying to get them to let her purchase something on sale before the doctor came in. She had the surgery and came out of it. She sent my dad home and told him to have fun but not too much fun. 

But once again my mom pivoted faster than my husband running into Sophia Rosing at the University of Kentucky. 

Mom: "What's this? Where am I?" 

God: "You're in a coma. Something happened after the surgery. This is the place between life and death that you read about when people have near-death experiences." 

Mom: "It's so peaceful here. Ohh...can you tell me things about my family?" 

God: "Yes, I can show you some things." 

God's visions were pinging my mom's dopamine levels and making her say "I'm dead" more than...well, she was actually about to be. 

But then I got The Call on August 18 and she performed better than Ding Ning at the 2016 Summer Olympics with the way she was pinging and ponging back and forth.

“Lauren. It's your mother. Please pray for her,”

My wine hazed brain wasn't going to fall for this again. "What's going on? Did she relapse again and start listening to ANUS?"

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that my mom was in a coma as we spoke and that she might not come out of it. 

Meanwhile back at the hospital: 

Mom: "So, how are my son, daughter, and husband in the next few months? I constantly pray for them." 

God: "Well, there will be some news about Obama that is going to come out soon that might get your husband who goes by Doug on Twitter into a little bit of trouble. He's looking at a potential racism and homophobic felony." 

Mom: "Oh dear. And my daughter? She's going back to school soon. I don't want her to relapse." 

God: "Relapse on what?" 

Mom: "Well, she tries to do too much at the start of the school year. The last few years she has had some health issues at the start of the school year. Teaching. Coaching. Now, she's adopting. Is she going to be stressed?" 

God: "She'll get stressed out. But...." 

Mom: "I won't have that. What about my son?" 

God: "Ohh...good. He goes to this guy named Stu's house next week and takes off his shirt. People go WILD." 

Mom: "WHAT! That's unacceptable. What did I tell him about staying humble and kind? That's it. I'm going to have to die. My daughter will get to take some time off work, and she can use my death to help raise money for her adoption. My husband will take a break from Tweeting, and my son won't go to Stu's house and maybe he'll go back to church. Perfect. This settles it. I'm dying, God." 

God: "Whoa, there. That's extreme. You must REALLY love your family."

Ping

It didn't make sense, but it should come as no surprise to me that out of all unlucky, unhealthy factors that people have to endure (*Side note* I do know that people suffer a lot worse), of course, my mom would be the one to have this happen. 

"So, they're saying that the surgery went fine and then something happened and now she might not live?" 
​
"That's what they're saying. But I don't know what to believe." 

"Get my aunt on the phone. She goads. Plain and simple. She'll get them to talk. "

Just then Drake's God's Plan blasted from the speakers of the IPhone playing our cabin weekend playlist. 

Meanwhile back at the hospital: 

Mom: "What's that loud noise? I just heard my daughter speaking. Goads plain. Goads plan. God's plan. Of course, God's plan! You're right. It's your plan. Not mine. Who was I kidding? My family would be so sad if I die, and my grandson won't understand."  

Pong 

We got the news shortly before midnight that she was stable and in no immediate danger. She wasn't going to die! What a relief. 

Meanwhile back at the hospital: 
​
God: "Well, remember when you all were at the beach last week and your grandson kept asking you out of the blue, "Grandma, are you in pain?" 

Mom: "Yeah, we thought it was funny. He kept asking. We didn't know why.

God: "Do you remember what you said?" 

Mom: "Yeah...I said, 'No, silly, I'm not in pain.' " 

God: "You were indirectly letting him know that you were going to be okay. And he'll have a childlike understanding that will help him deal with what happens." 

Mom: "Wow. What about the rest of my family?"

God: "They will be in deep pain for a while. They will always miss you so much, but I'll be with them along the way, and you will too. They'll always sense your presence and love. We'll send them signs. We will work through your grandson too. He'll say and do miraculous things that will help ease their grief. They'll learn to grow around their pain and one day, they will start thriving again. But they will carry you with them forever." 

Mom: "Thank you. I think I'm ready. I feel so at peace." 

God: "You have free will, but there are a few more things that I need to reveal to you before we move forward." 

God here shows my mom why she has to die. 

Mom: "Yes, you're right. I see it all clearly now. I'm going to have to die. But can I wait for them to all get here?" 

God: "Of course." 

Mom: "And one more thing. Can I die before my daughter's birthday?"

God: "We can make that happen. Here, take my hand. Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest." 
​
Ping. Pong.

And the rest, as they say, is history...

Thank you for allowing me to write something that was funny, dark, sad, spiritual, and philosophical. 

I will never stop talking and writing about my mom.. 

She had an impactful influence on my life, and I'll always share about her when given the opportunity and the words come pouring out. ​

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And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments. ​

We've taken two separate weekend trips to Beaufort and now it will forever hold a special place in my heart as it was the last trip we ever took with my mom before she passed away a week later unexpectedly. 

Beaufort, North Carolina is roughly 2 1/2 hours away from the Raleigh area. 

Beaufort is the fourth oldest town in North Carolina. Beaufort was ranked as "America's Coolest Small Town" by readers of Budget Travel Magazine. It's minutes away from beaches on the Crystal Coast. 

Beaufort gives off quaint, historic, small town coastal city vibes and is featured in two Nicholas Sparks novels: A Walk to Remember and The Choice. 

Strongly consider taking a weekend trip here with your kids because you won't be disappointed and it will leave you feeling relaxed. 

Both times we stayed in AirBNBs. 

​The first time we stayed at the Beau Retreat. This was 3 miles from the city center. 

The second time we stayed at the Seahorse, which was within walking distance to downtown - Front Street. 

​While the walls are thin and you can hear clearly someone above you, I liked this AirBNB more because it was so close to everything. 

There's plenty to eat in Beaufort. NC Tripping recommends Moonrakers.

Here are the places we ate and enjoyed all of them: 

1. City Kitchen - Waterfront restaurant located above Town Creek Marina. This restaurant specializes in Southern American Fusion. It has an outdoor area with a tiki bar. 

2. Beaufort Grocery - I didn't eat here myself, but my dad and husband did. They enjoyed it. It's located in downtown Beaufort's historic district on Queen Street. 

3. 34° North - This beautiful restaurant in Beaufort is located on Taylor Creek and is a great spot to get brunch. 

4. Black Sheep - This pizza joint is located right in downtown on Front Street. It offers views of the water and boardwalk. 

5. Beaufort Creamery - No trip is complete without ice cream and this local parlor on Front Street sure doesn't disappoint. 

There is so much to do here. 

But here's what we did: 

​1. Island Ferry Adventures: We took this ferry twice on two separate occasions. One time to Bird Shoal and the other time to Sand Dollar Island. Sand Dollar Island will probably be more fun for kids as they have the allure of searching for living and dead sand dollars. 

2. Radio Island Beach Access: Want to enjoy the beach without the waves? Go to Beaufort's public beach. You can drive and park here. 

3. Atlantic Beach: I should probably do a whole separate post on Atlantic Beach, but I like to pair Atlantic Beach with Beaufort because they are so close. It's about a 15 minute drive here and you can hang out on the ocean all day. 

4. Pine Knoll Shore Aquarium: An easy 24 minute drive from Beaufort, this is a good indoor activity for kids. Although I wasn't too impressed as an adult, my 4-year old loved it. 

​5. Footloose on the Neuse: I have to put this on here because it was tradition for my mom, dad, and I to go. Well, we went two years in a row and were planning to go a third. Take the hour drive to New Bern and go to their Footloose on the Neuse tribute concerts. We had a blast both times. We ate at Persimmons Waterfront Restaurant both times too. Hopefully, we continue going in remembrance of my mom. 

That's Beaufort for you! And my husband and I seriously talked about having a small house or condo here one day because we like it so much. Hope you can visit with your kids! 

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And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments. ​

Carolina Beach is a little over a 2 hour drive from the Raleigh area. While you could make a day trip out of this coastal town, we decided to spend one night. And we had a great time! 

I had been wanting to go to Carolina Beach with my son ever since I found out that part of The Summer I Turned Pretty was filmed there. 

Known for its vintage boardwalk, Carolina is a fun beach to take your kids to. 

We decided to go down Thursday because every Thursday in the summer, Carolina Beach Boardwalk has live music and fireworks. And it didn't disappoint. 

We decided to stay at Dry Dock Inn. This cute and newly remodeled hotel is only a short walk to the beach and boardwalk. In fact, you can see the boardwalk from the balcony of the hotel. 

The hotel itself has two pools, a sitting section, and a game area for adults and kids. While I wish we had more time to take advantage of the pools, we did have some time to play ping pong and cornhole. 

Since it was just my dad and son with me, we decided to get the room with a queen bed and pull out couch. It worked well. 

I highly recommend this affordable inn which we were able to book last minute. 

Carolina Beach has a lot of great restaurants, so we had to be selective where we ate. 

Our first stop was Britts Donut Shop on the Boardwalk. I had heard about this place on Instagram, so I was eager to see what the hype was all about. 

WOW! These were the best donuts I've ever had. They have one flavor, homemade glazed, and you can only pay in cash. 

​It's safe to say that one visit wasn't enough. 

Our dinner plans had to get slightly altered when Fork N Cork had a too long of a wait (they don't take reservations), so we went to The Sandspur. It's between the Dry Dock Inn and the Boardwalk. We sat outside on their back patio which was perfect for my son to run around with the other kids. We could still hear the music coming from the Boardwalk. 

After dinner dessert was assorted candy from the Sweet Life. 

And finally breakfast the next day was at Malama Cafe. We took our meal to go and ate on the Boardwalk overlooking the beach. 

Obviously, we spent the majority of the time on the beach. My dad, Henry, and I both prefer when the beach is overcast, so we spent a good bit of time relaxing on the beach and playing in the sand, and water.

When we weren't eating or hanging out at the beach, we were walking around the Boardwalk. I'm not a fireworks or amusement rides type person, but my son enjoyed it all, and I get pleasure from his joy. Plus the live music was really good. 

My son is only four, so we didn't do too many rides. We did the bumper cars, fun house, and he did a kiddie ride by himself. In my opinion, the ride tickets are way too expensive. But, remember, I HATE amusement park/carnival rides. They make me sick. The bumper cars even made me sick. 

Even still, though, I feel like Carolina Beach Boardwalk transports you back in time and hasn't totally succumbed to all the moderness of some other beaches and tourist attractions. 

​I highly recommend going.

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And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments. ​

Check out these other North Carolina destinations. 

*I wrote this blog before my mom's unexpected death. Even with the absolute pain, grief, and exhaustion of losing my mom much too young, I'm still 100% cured from insomnia. I say this because this advice works and should give you hope.* ​

I’m not generally a skeptic. I usually believe the best in people and that experts know what they are talking about. 

That is until I had insomnia and went down a nearly two year path of sleep anxiety. 

Doctors and therapists made it worse. 

My skepticism made it better…


Doctors were quick to prescribe me medicine, often the wrong kind treating the wrong problem, or spout off the importance of sleep hygiene. 

Therapists rarely had more than deep breathing and meditation techniques in their toolkit. 

Luckily, I learned so much about sleep after doing some digging through the internet, and my insomnia slowly got better. 

But some nights I would climb into bed and those all too familiar anxious feelings would creep up, and my brain would remember my insomnia, making the anxiety worse. I would do deep breathing exercises or run to a different bedroom only to have myself popping a pill an hour later. 

I was doing better comparatively to a year ago. I knew the path to healing wasn’t linear, but still I had some skepticism. First of all, thanks to the sleep experts I found, I no longer feared not sleeping like I used to, but why would one anxious thought when I went to fall asleep lead to nearly all out panic? 

First of all, I felt like I was merely coping albeit coping better but still coping. 

Second of all, I had spent the majority of my life without sleep anxiety. Was I just supposed to accept that I had anxiety now and my breathing exercises were what were to get me through the panic? If I once lived without anxiety couldn’t I live without it again? 

I didn’t want to just cope. I wanted to be panic free. So I searched. 

And I found Michael Norman, former research scientist and founder of PanicFree.TV who specializes in anxiety and panic help. 

His philosophy and research, largely similar to the sleep experts I found, addressed the reason why I was still getting panicked at night. 

His content has helped tremendously and makes so much sense, and he implores his audience to share it with everyone they know because he addressed that often doctors and therapists can’t keep up with the research and that’s why their advice might be outdated and unhelpful. 

​

Michael Norman says it concisely and bluntly. Panic is not an illness. It is not a chemical imbalance although a lot of doctors would lead you to believe otherwise.

In fact, the chemical imbalance metaphor is harmful to patients. It creates an unnecessary stigma, self-blame, and pessimism about the future. Overall, it’s harder for patients to get better. 

In the midst of my sleep anxiety, I truly believed that something was wrong with my brain and that this new reality might just be my life. It was truly a depressing thought. 

According to Norman, “It’s biochemically impossible for a panic attack to continue indefinitely. Panic always ends, no matter what you do.” 

To understand this, we must first look at the Smoke Detector Principle coined by Psychology Professor, Randolph Nesse, from Arizona State University.

Thinking about your home, I can safely assume that you would rather have your smoke alarm go off when you burn something on the stove occasionally but never miss a real fire than a smoke alarm that FAILS to go off and stays silent during a fire. 

Like smoke alarms, our brains and fear systems are meant to be overprotective to keep you safe. And like smoke alarms, our brains will, too, have false alarms that are just as loud and scary as when you’re actually in danger (i.e. getting in a car crash or getting attacked). 

“A panic attack is ‘JUST’ a terrifying, overwhelming, overprotective MISTAKE. A mistake that, ironically, is motivated by our brain’s #1 priority in life — to keep you safe. The only REAL problem, and it’s a big one, is that it’s a terrifying mistake. It’s a mistake that can leave us feeling exposed and vulnerable, and make our world feel very unsafe,” says Norman. 

But the good news is that, just like how our brains learned what to fear, they can learn how to no longer fear and correct the panic mistake. 

​

The panic pattern is paradoxical. For it to get triggered, it doesn’t require any real danger and instead requires your brain to make a mistake. 

Here’s how it happens…

• Anxiety creates body sensations. 
  
• Our brain has learned to fear those sensations, so it creates even more anxiety when those sensations arise. 
  
• The increased anxiety creates even more body sensations.
  
• Around this cycle goes
  

That’s exactly what happened to me. 

• I would get into bed sleepy but then I would have a thought like this, “What if I can’t fall asleep?” 
  
• That thought would make me anxious. 
  
• My anxious feelings would lead to a fast beating heart, hot flashes, and tingling skin. 
  
• I knew these feelings could keep me up, so I got even more anxious. 
  
• And by then, I obviously couldn’t sleep, and I would become panicked. 
  

Therefore the obvious way to end panic is to stop the panic pattern. If the brain doesn’t confuse anxiety-related body sensations as dangerous, then you can’t have a panic attack and the pattern ends. 

And, just like I thought, panic free doesn’t mean that you cope better with panic attacks because coping means you still have them. Panic free means no more panic attacks and no more crippling anxiety. 

​

In the throes of insomnia and sleep anxiety, I would do anything from take and carry around anxiety pills for bedtime, “run away” to sleep in a different bed, call my mom in the middle of the night to have her reassure me that I was safe, and attempt a variety of breathing exercises. 

Then I would flit around on social media and the internet to find the next magical cure to help me. 

While some of these solutions worked temporarily, they were never a long term cure. A band-aid, at best, over a gigantic gaping wound. 

By trying to fight or flee the situation, I was only reinforcing my brain that I was in actual danger. 

While deep breathing exercises throughout the day have their time and place, constantly doing deep breathing exercises throughout the day to avoid anxiety will do the opposite. 

I found a life of constantly trying to avoid anxiety to be exhausting. Going from bed to bed, debating whether I should take a pill, feeling guilty for waking my mom, trying to distract my anxious thoughts, and logically challenging my anxious thoughts were all so stressful. 

When a smoke alarm goes off because we burn a piece of toast, we don’t start screaming and running away or smashing the alarm system. We might open a few windows and fan the alarm with a towel, but we don’t put up a huge fight or flee the scene. Why? Because there is no real danger.

The same is true for our panic. There is no real danger there. Every time we try to fight or flight our anxiety, we are reinforcing our brain that there is danger. 

So what do we need to do? You guessed it….

​

In my very specific case of insomnia, Dr. Daniel Erichsen, sleep physician and coach, author, and founder of the Sleep Coach School says in order to take away the fear of being awake at night you have to teach your brain that it’s okay to be awake. 

Therefore, if you find yourself unable to fall asleep and anxious, instead of trying to do deep breathing or meditation to fall asleep, do something you enjoy. I might read a book or watch TV. 

Easier said than done, trust me, I know. But the more I tried to go to a different bed because that bed is bound to help me fall asleep, etc, etc, the more I reinforced the idea that there was an actual fear and danger. 

Michael Norman actually suggests this: Since trying to fight against a Panic False Alarm tends to fuel The Panic Pattern and makes it worse, if someone has a “panic attack” I don’t ask them to relax. Instead, I ask them to VOLUNTARILY make the False Alarm a LOT bigger. I ask them to voluntarily give me the biggest “panic attack” they’ve ever had. What happens universally is that they can’t. Paradoxically, it relaxes them. It's totally counterintuitive, but trying to VOLUNTARILY increase a False Alarm is an effective way to end it — and there are multiple scientific trials showing this really does work WHEN used as part of a larger, systematic approach. 

He also uses the metaphor of a broken compass. If you’re lost in the woods and have a map and broken compass (North is South and South is North..), you’d continue to remain lost because you didn’t know the compass was broken. 

HOWEVER, if you were lost in the woods with a map and a broken compass, BUT knew the compass was broken, you’d find the right path. Why? Because you would just do the opposite of what the broken compass tells you to do. 

The same is true for panic and anxiety. Your brain will try to do everything in its power to convince you the logical thing to do is xyz. Do the opposite. 

Norman knows that this can be hard, so he implores us to go slowly. If you are not ready to go straight from doing to not doing, try to plant seeds. 

He says that the FIRST thing we want you to do EACH MORNING before you start the day, is to plant a very tiny seed, inside your mind, by asking yourself this question: “What would I have to do, or not do, today… if I VOLUNTARILY wanted to worsen my situation with panic?”

Your answers would probably fall into one of these categories: 

1. Avoiding: avoiding (or trying to avoid) a false alarm in any way.
2. Fighting: fighting (or trying to fight) a false alarm in any way.
3. Safety-seeking: trying to stay “safe” from a false alarm in any way.
4. Seeking reassurance from others.

He wants you to become aware of all that you try to do in order to stay safe but actually is worsening your panic. Then, he wants you to write down when you are having a panic false alarm the answers to these questions: What did you just think or say to myself that made you feel anxious or panicky? And What’s my “Panic Compass” telling me to do? How is it telling me to stay safe? (e.g. Is it telling me to escape, to fight, to call a friend for assistance, etc.?).
For example, at some point here were some of mine…

• What if I don’t sleep? 
• I have to get up early.
• What if I run out of medicine? 
• What if I am dependent on medicine for the rest of my life? 
• What if my doctor cuts me off. 

By doing these exercises, you’re learning what exactly it is that you fear and ultimately how to rewire your brain not to fear them anymore. 

​

The last step to helping you truly become panic free is to go out into the world and actually confront your anxiety. 

Sounds completely insane but it works. You are going to chase and seek out what makes you anxious. 

Norman recommends a couple strategies to help you with this. 

• The One Word Technique: In the first stages of  his program, Norman has you write down everything you’re thinking during a panic false alarm. For me, I might have in my journal some phrases like “What if I don’t sleep tonight?” or “Will I go crazy?” Those are some phrases that used to cause me much anxiety in the past. Next, Norman wants you to take those phrases, close your eyes, and picture each word in the phrase moving across your vision screen from right to left very, very slowly. (What….if…..I….don’t….sleep….tonight?) Then, I would race each word in the opposite order from left to right very quickly across my vision screen (Tonight, sleep, don’t, I, if, what). What happened? The more I did this practice, the more these phrases and words lost their meaning. My brain started to interpret them in a different way, and I was no longer anxious when I thought about them. 
• The Worst Fantasy Technique: For me, doing the One Word Technique was enough to truly get rid of my anxiety, but for some they might have to do the Worst Fantasy Technique. During this practice, you are going to lie down and for the next 30 minutes you are going to purposely try to get yourself anxious. You’re going to do everything in your power to imagine something that would invoke panic. For instance, I might imagine going many nights without sleep, going crazy, ending up in a mental hospital, and losing custody of my child. Just like with the One Word Technique, your anxious thoughts and worst fantasies are going to lose their meaning.

For me, I can safely say that I’m truly panic free. I can show up everyday and live my best life. 
As Michael Norman says, “You bear the wounds of all the battles you avoided.” You no longer have to seek out the next magical remedy. You just need a little bit of courage to reach out and touch the panic ghosts. And then you will be truly set free. 

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​*I wrote this blog before my mom's unexpected death. Even with the absolute pain, grief, and exhaustion of losing my mom much too young, I'm still 100% cured from insomnia. I say this because this advice works and should give you hope.* 

I truly thought I was cured. I even wrote an article called How to Never Fear Insomnia Again. For six months, I had stopped fearing getting little sleep, wondering if I would cope the next day, and letting go of sleep efforts. 

I was functioning better than ever even if I got a night of 4 hours of sleep. I was barely taking any prescription or over the counter medicine. I had nearly stopped tracking what time I needed to go to bed, what time I fell asleep, and how many hours of sleep I got. I had simply accepted what was and let go. 

There were times, anxiety would creep up again, yes, but I did a good job of monitoring my thoughts, getting curious about them, and accepting them. Sure, every now and then I would take a nibble (I’m talking like ¼ or ⅛) of my medicine as an act of self care with the intention to calm myself rather than produce sleep. 

I had heard about speed bumps. I knew that I would probably get one. But I never expected to fear the speed bump so much. 

​

As I now know, insomnia is a true learned fear of NOT sleeping. It’s not that you can’t sleep. Remember that sleep is passive. 

It’s that you are so fearful of NOT being able to sleep that your brain goes into hyperarousal which prevents you from sleeping.  Essentially, it’s a fear of being awake. 

Your brain is a powerful tool. It was designed to help you survive, so a speed bump is your brain’s way of telling you that it is perceiving some sort of threat. As hellish as insomnia is, I think that that is pretty cool. Your brain is looking out for you. 

It is a night of sleeping little after several good ones. Or it is that stretch of sleepless nights after a few weeks of not struggling.

The speed bump can be triggered by a certain event and then your brain starts to remember, “Remember that last stint with insomnia. That was awful wasn’t it? Let’s not go through that again.” 

And then what happens? You guessed it. Hyperarousal because your brain is going into problem-solving mode to figure out what you did wrong and how to stop it. 
And we all know hyperarousal will put you into a state of alertness aka sleep becomes nearly impossible. 

Holistic sleep coach, Beth Kendall, points out that nothing has gone wrong. It’s completely normal. 

​

My last big bout with insomnia, the one where I realized that I had a problem and needed help, started with this scenario: I got sick, had a few restless nights, ran out of my “just-in-case” calm down medicine, had a hard time of getting more for various reasons, then went into extreme panic (aka hyperarousal), and then had a week of poor sleep. 

Somewhere in my brain, it remembered that experience and how awful it was. 

So when six months later my son and I got sick, had a few restless nights, went on prednisone for strep throat, realized that prednisone causes jitters and insomnia, ran out of my “just-in-case” medicine again because I thought I was healed, and a seed of doubt etched it’s way into my mind, well I got tangled in the midsts of a full blown speed bump. 

Night One, I got 3 hours of sleep. That wasn’t too bad, and I tried to live my life fairly normally the second day. But when the second night I got 0 hours of sleep, I was in full blown panic. And by the third night of 0 hours of sleep, I was in despair. I would do anything to get my hands on my medicine even though it was the weekend and my doctor’s office was closed. 

I was perplexed at why this was happening. 

I was in despair. 

I thought I might never heal. 

I was scared. 

My thoughts spiraled into never sleeping, losing my job, ending up in a mental hospital, getting hooked on medicine, developing some terrible health condition, hallucinating, having psychotic episodes, and ultimately having my son and husband leaving me. 

My body felt like it was buzzing and electric currents were going through me. I was shaking and having hypnic jerks, which my one saving grace was that I had an understanding ahead of time what they were and that they were NOT dangerous.

It was truly a hellish experience. 

I think this time was the worst because I had the education of insomnia and truly believed what I had learned but what I had learned wasn’t working. Or I was forcing to make it work which is counterintuitive. 

Also, last time I went to the ER with the hope they would help. Unfortunately, now I know that there are very few doctors and therapists that truly get insomnia. It’s a small community overshadowed by the Sleep Industry and Big Pharma which is where the money is. I have found very few people and articles on the internet that are actually helpful. Other insomniacs would agree. 

It’s no wonder so many people have trouble sleeping and sleep anxiety. Our society has conditioned us to be afraid of being awake at night with all their fear-inducing headlines that are often not true at all. 

It’s no surprise that cultures and societies that don’t live by the rules of the clock, do not have a word for insomnia. Because there’s no reason to fear being up at night. They are also much healthier. 

We DO NOT all need 8 hours of sleep.

Insomnia will not cause long term health conditions. 

And the only reason why we think it will or that we feel tired when we don’t get the “recommended” hours of sleep is because we have been conditioned to believe this. 

I’m speculating here, but when I read that lack of sleep causes poor health, I do not believe that. I believe this - the fear of lack of sleep and the pressure to live by such sleep rules are part of what’s causing poor health.

I will repeat: When I stopped fearing that I absolutely needed 8 hours of sleep, I was less tired when I didn’t get it. In fact, I felt like I had more energy. 

During the time of this speed bump, I just wanted to call someone who truly understood what I was going through and how to help. The one or two therapists I had seen in the past had pushed upon me sleep hygiene and efforts. Doctors push upon you unhelpful sleep medication. 

But my one glimmer of hope was that I discovered The Sleep Coach School and read about other insomniacs who had recovered having nearly the exact same experiences and feelings as me. My mom, too, went through something similar a few times. 

I did make it worse by going down the Insomnia Rabbit Role aka the Google Trap.

I inundated myself with too much information at once. While some information wasn’t all that bad and, in fact, some was very helpful, instead of simply accepting my insomnia, I was problem-solving. 

And as Beth says, “But it's actually the 'doing something' that perpetuates insomnia. Because no human being on earth is powerful enough to force sleep!”

I eventually got the medicine and used it to calm down enough to sleep and give me confidence that sleep is passive. Wakefulness = sleep drive. 

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Before I begin I have to ask, “What do you think of my outfit?” I went to the Loft at Crabtree Valley Mall in North Carolina. They had it in XS Petite, but I needed it in XXS Petite, so I had them call up another mall. That Loft had it. I told them to put it on hold. I’ll be there soon. When I got there, it was on sale for 40% off, but I had an additional 15% in my Loft Reward Points. But guess what, a few days later it went on sale for 65% off! So I drove back to the store, and harassed - I mean politely asked - them to return it and do a price adjustment. So guess what - you won’t believe it - I got this all for $15.99, originally $150. Never buy something full price. 

If you couldn’t tell, my mom was an avid shopper and a good one at that. I am not. I shamefully have to admit that I, a 34 year old woman, was still having most of my clothes picked out and bought for me by my mom.

When someone really close to you whom you love dies, there are a lot of firsts. The first birthday without them. The first time you walk into their house and are overwhelmingly reminded of them in every little thing you see. The first time you realize you used the past tense instead of the present tense. The first time you pick up the phone to call or text them and realize you can’t do that anymore. The first time you wake up from a vivid dream about them and are crushed that it isn’t true. And, the first time you have to pick out your own outfit and can’t ask them what they think of it. Like for this occasion. 

​My mom thoroughly enjoyed shopping for all of us even more than herself because that’s the kind of person she was. A true giver at heart. ​

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Recently, a social worker came to our house to interview us for our adoption. She asked me, “What was your childhood like?” I had to pause. My childhood? Were there words to describe it? I simply said, “It was amazing.” 

It was amazing for my brother and me because of my parents. We lived next to the Taylors and there were a lot of other kids in the neighborhood. My mom was a neat freak like her mom, my grandma. But our front door was always open and people were constantly coming in and out of our house. Kids would run in and kick off their shoes. She would run to get out the snacks and then run over to the door to wipe off the fingerprint smudges on the glass. Then, she would get down on her hands and knees to scrub up the footprints, only to have another little kid trod his muddy shoes into the house. She didn’t care. She loved it. My parents literally let us in every nook and cranny in the house.  We were in closets, crawl spaces (that area in between the family room and bathroom in the basement), beds, office, garage, etc.  Nothing was off limits. I’m the same way - I allow the kids anywhere.It was fun for us kids! Her greatest joy was serving others and if others were happy, she was happy.

For a few summers, she would help organize the neighborhood carnival in our yard. She came up with the idea to take the money we earned, donate it to Catholic Charities, and then spend the day helping out there. At first, we were like “C’mom Mom, really?” but as always she was trying to teach us a valuable lesson on helping others and treating all people with kindness. ​

Even in high school, our house was still the place to hang out. We’d somehow always end up back at our house after a successful Friendship Day Celebration. If you don’t know what Friendship Day is, look it up. I just want to say directly to my friends and Kyle’s friends, she loved you. A lot. 

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She'll always be the first teacher to Kyle and me. So many trips to the library. So many books read. Every Christmas had to include some type of educational toy. And for dinner each night, we each had our meal served on either a Presidents or Map of Each Continent placemat. It’s no wonder Kyle knew all the presidents in order in Kindergarten and then went on to be a two time geography bee champ (I only ever got 2nd place. She must have served him more meals on the continent placemats than she did to me.)

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Her nieces and nephews…Jeff, Mike, Jason, Jeremey, Ryan, Sheryl, Jenna, Casey, Amy, Chas, Sarah, and Jack. She loved you and your children all so much and cared about you all probably to a fault. 

Her childhood, high school, college, and later year friends. She talked about you often. In fact, we just enjoyed a nice lunch with you, Kathleen and Mrs. Anghie. 

Her best friends, Jackie, Lisa, and Tammie, she loved you so much as well and I’m so glad she was able to go on a Bucket List Trip to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons this summer. She was so excited to go and had a blast. Except she did tell me that  it was too cold and she never had enough socks on. 

Our family in New Jersey, she really enjoyed our last trip this summer for 4th of July. I thought it was perfect, and we really enjoyed each other’s company. Thank you for welcoming her into the family when she married my dad. 

Her siblings, Teri, Marla, Charlene, and Charlie thank you for taking care of her as her older siblings. You also helped her check off another bucket list item and see New England in the fall on your sister's trip (sorry Charlie). 

James, my husband, she always raved about how great of a father you are to Henry. Always know that you were like a son to her. 

Caroline, you are our newest addition. She was so pleased that Kyle found a “nice, young lady” a phrase that she said for years. She took comfort in knowing Kyle has you. 

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My mom also struck up some unlikely friendships with a lot of people. I would laugh at the relationships she would get herself into and shake my head in puzzlement wondering how she ended up FaceBook Video Chatting every week with a young man whom she delivered meals on wheels to or texting back and forth with a podcast listener of Kyle’s or somehow bringing another kid into the house after Kyle and I moved out. Yes, that would be DJ. DJ was our ornery little brother from the Big Brothers program. My mom and DJ were quite the pair and I can say that each of them touched one another’s lives. DJ passed away in March, and I’m sure he was eagerly awaiting for my mom to come, so he could convince her to take him to the mall and buy him something, which let’s face it, you never had to convince her to go to the mall. 

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I know she was so proud of Kyle and me. 

She instilled in me that love for teaching and learning, and I’m a teacher today because of her. Thank you, Mom. Because you were such a great teacher to me, I’ve been able to be a great teacher to countless students and a mom like you were to Henry. Your impact will be felt for many years to come. 

Kyle, she was so proud of you too for educating people on new, untold stories. She loved being part of the Barstool Community and an honorary Yak Mother. She always thought how funny and creative you were. 
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Dad, you and her made a great team. Her strengths were your weakness and vice versa. You were the one who could make her laugh the most, and that’s something I’m really going to miss. 

And finally, to my Henry, you aren’t here today and are too young to fully understand, but one day I hope you read this and know that you were Grandma’s greatest joy. She’ll always be kept alive in our hearts. 



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So to Dad, Kyle, James, and Henry I’ll never be able to replace my mom or do half the things that she did, but I promise to you that I’ll still get you Easter baskets even when we all are well over 30, 40, 50, 60 years old. I promise that everyone will have an equal number of Christmas presents to unwrap. I promise you, Henry, that you will get your red peppers and chicken noodle soup because, “Lauren, he’s got to eat his veggies and protein.” I promise that I’ll get you new library books every week like she did. I promise that I will pack peanut butter pizza, apples, and a pack of crackers whenever we go out to save money on buying food. I promise that we will continue playing trivia, and we will always save an empty seat for her. I promise that I will send you Brain Candy. Maybe not every day like Mom. I promise that I’ll *try* key word, try to learn how to make bean burgers and burrito bowls and clean the house like she did. But most importantly, I promise that I will do my part in getting you all to Heaven because faith was more important than anything to her. 

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But that was my mom. Laughing through all the suffering and continuing on serving other people. She was always hard on herself. Never giving herself enough credit. 

But my mom had the most beautiful faith, the greatest love for the Lord, and the kindest of hearts. My heart will always ache for her. Like someone just told me, Great lives equal great grief and it would be a disservice to my mom if losing her was anything less than devastating.   

Mom, I’m so happy that you are in an eternal state of joy with Jesus and  Grandma and Granddad as well,  looking down on us. Until we meet again, I miss you, I love you, and I’ll continue to do everything in your honor. 

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Hanging Rock State Park has been on my bucket list to visit with my son for a while. 

A few years ago, I did the Hanging Rock Trail by myself and learned about how much the park has to offer. 

I vowed to come back. But this time with my son. He loves hiking. 

Hanging Rock State Park is about a 2 hour road trip from the Raleigh-Durham area. 

So a few weeks ago, we packed up our bags and set out for the park. 

Lower Cascades Falls is a hidden gem of North Carolina. It's one of the most beautiful waterfalls of North Carolina. 

Well... I don't know how much of a hidden gem it is anymore because it can get pretty busy. 

I suggest going early. 

Put this address into your GPS as it is not in the main part of the park: 
Address: 2143 Hall Rd, Westfield, NC 27053

Lower Cascades Falls is formed by Cascade Creek dropping down a 35-foot stone wall. Cascade Creek actually stems off from the lake inside Hanging Rock State Park.

The Lower Cascades Trail is one of the shortest at Hanging Rock State Park (0.4 miles one-way), another reason it’s among the most popular. The hike begins with a mix of gravel, dirt, and rock before transitioning into a set of stone and wooden steps.

Once there, you are greeted by a beautiful waterfall with a pool to wade in. *Pack water shoes and a bathing suit*

I suggest letting your kid take the lead. 

My son had fun wading in the pool, climbing over all the works, and exploring the little creek that trickles down past the waterfall. 

Pack a lunch and a book and then just sit and soak up this majestic site. 

Address: 1005 Visitor Center Drive, Westfield, NC 27053

We love to stop at the visitor center of any park to get a map, stop to use the bathroom, or learn more about the park. 

we stopped here, got a map, and planned out the rest of our day. 

A lot of trails are accessed from the Visitor's Center including Hanging Rock Trail. 

Address: 2847 Hanging Rock Park Road, Westfield, NC 27053

A very short drive from the visitor's center is Hanging Rock Lake. 

We stopped here to eat our packed lunch and then decided to swim at the lake. 

Swimming Fees: $6/day for 13-year-olds and up. $4/day for children from three to 12 years old.
Boat Rentals: ($7/hour) 

I thought that the lake was perfect for kids. There are lifeguards on duty, sand to play in, a calm lake to swim in, diving boards, boat rentals, changing rooms, bathrooms, concession stands, and a shelter that overlooks the lake with cozy rocking chairs to enjoy a treat in. 

We spent a couple hours here. 

We drove to Winston-Salem which was on our way for the drive back to Raleigh. 

We stopped at Bailey Power Plant. 

Here's the description of this cool part of town: 
Bailey Power Plant offers a unique mixed-use environment at the epicenter of downtown Winston-Salem’s Innovation Quarter. This renovated building offers retail and office space and plenty of amenities—like being within steps of Bailey Park and a block away from Long Branch Trail access points. Enjoy expansive outdoor gathering spaces, communal break areas, conference rooms and innovative building design (including some historical pieces from the building’s past as a working coal-fired power plant). There are two nearby parking decks available in addition to ample street parking.

We had pizza at Cugino Forno Pizzeria which is located right next to Incendiary Brewing Company. Pizza and beer after a long day of hiking! 

Perfect way to end the day.