 A year ago I lost my mom. I won’t go into all the details of how much I miss her. But just know it’s a lot. Instead, today, I will focus on what I’ve learned from my grief. And while, in this life, I’ll never be grateful that she had to die, I am grateful for what I’ve learned. I wouldn’t trade the life I had and have for more time with her.I’ll always wish I had more time with her. I do feel like I was robbed of a full life with a parent. I also know many people can say the same thing and feel as if they were robbed more. HOWEVER…I would never trade the life I had for more time with her. My time spent with her was full and abundant. I can look back on it fondly. We loved, laughed, and lived if you want to make it a cliche. I’d never give that up. I also wouldn’t trade the life I have now for more time with her. For starters, my mom is in a perfect state of happiness with God, Jesus, all the saints, and her own parents. She’s in paradise. I would never, ever take her away from there. I also have changed too much and met too many people because she died. This is the life God has meant for me, and I wouldn’t want to give it up even in all its messiness and sadness. I would, though, love to strike up a deal with God that I could have one day a year with her. Just one day. That’s all. Time is Confusing.I’ve tried to grasp the concept of time in all of this. Time on earth and time in heaven. It’s impossible. A part of me will always be frozen in time to that last month, week, and day with my mom before she died. Another part of me will be forever conflicted with the passage of time. It moves both painfully slowly and way too fast. The more time passes I simultaneously get further away from her and the time we spent together and yet closer to being reunited again. It’s a paradoxical phenomenon that is so hard to comprehend. I'll most likely have to remember my mom for longer than I knew her. I'll never get over that. My life is forever divided into the familiar Before and After that you often hear people talk about after momentous events. It’s true. The Before seems like a totally different life. It was a good life but with a terrible ending. But one that I can never go back to, and I’m not sure if I ever want to. There Will Be Good Days and Bad.If there is one thing I've learned in grief is that the really bad days always soften and the good days always give way to the bad. It's an ebb and flow. All I can do is let time pass (and pray too, of course). In the bad days, you find yourself wondering if you'll ever feel good again. It'll be hard to breathe. You can't stop crying. You feel depressed. Life looks bleak. Sometimes you're numb. Those will end and become fewer and farther between. Then, on the good days you'll find that you can laugh and smile and hope again. You might even feel a little guilty you feel this way because you think you're letting go of the person you love . Trust me, you aren't, and out of nowhere the mention of chicken soup will have you breaking down in tears, and the bad moments start all over again. This is grief in a nutshell. I Don't Put Off Things Anymore.I no longer wait for the right time to use that face mask or light that candle. I don't hold back on telling someone how I feel or extending gratitude. I post Facebook updates and publish blog without fear of what people might think. Going on trips and getting together with friends and neighbors now have become a priority. Tomorrow is not a guarantee, so why not today? A Part of Me Went With My Mom the Day She Died and a Part of Her Stayed With Me.I don’t know if I know how to adequately explain this one. It's just something that is. I find that an old part of me “died” the day she did, but she left a part of her soul with me. I have started to like and do things she used to like and do. I have caught myself saying things she said. And I have experienced strengths I never knew that I had that were hers. Sounds deep, but I think this happens when you lose someone with a deep connection. I also feel as if our relationship hasn't ended. We still talk to one another just in a different way. The dreams and signs I have had are proof of that. Sometimes, I am very grateful for these signs. Other days, I get angry that I can't have her here in a physical way. God Wants You to Get Angry With Him.Trust me, I’ve been angry with God. I have cursed, yelled, and wailed to Him during my darkest of times. God wants this. He can handle this. He much rather you bring it all to Him than have you turn your back on Him. He loves you and wants to help you. When I have brought my anger to God and laid it all at His feet…When I have shouted at Him that I am too tired and handed over every last ounce of my worries, anger, and sadness that is when I have found the most peace. Truly miraculous the number of times I have done this and the amount of times He has come through. Maybe not always in the way I have wanted. But always in the way I have needed. We Are in God’s Hands.This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: 2 “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” 3 So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. 5 Then the word of the Lord came to me. 6 He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. In Jeremiah 18 verses 1-6, we learn that mourning can leave us so drained, we literally feel like inert lumps of clay on a potter’s wheel. In difficult moments, the world seems to spin like that wheel. Yet, Jeremiah’s image reveals another possibility: God the potter actually uses the swift rotation of the wheel to mold clay into an earthen vessel. A new creation comes to be because of his patient guidance. The scene reminds us that we are in God’s hands in any situation - even during mourning. The Lord wants to make each of us into a new object. The only question is: will we let him? The above was taken from my Seasons of Hope workbook.  The Secondary Losses Can Hurt Almost As Much as the Primary Loss.You don’t just lose the person who dies. You lose so much more. You lose your family dynamics how they once were. You lose the relationships your mom had with your dad, your brother, your son, your husband, her siblings, and her friends and getting to see them flourish for a full life. I could go on and on about the secondary losses, but I think you get it. God Uses Who’s Left to Help With Who Left.I heard something very similar to this in one of my grief classes, and it couldn’t be more truthful. In my time of grief, God has sent people to help me. Again, some people have shown up almost miraculously when I needed them the most. There are the obvious people - my immediate and extended family. Friends. Neighbors. And, then, there are the not-so-obvious people that I would consider strangers a year ago who have done more to help me than they probably will ever know. People who I have met because they too have experienced the loss of a mom at the same age as me. People my mom’s age who I have met in grief class who have taken me out to eat or baked me cookies. Teenage students who would stop by my classroom nearly every day just to see how I was doing. This is a Tragic and Inspiring Life. Right now, people are walking around this world who have experienced truly horrific things. Loss of a child. Families who have lost a child and then years later a spouse. Almost entire families wiped out in a senseless car crash. Widows and widowers who are simultaneously having to hold it together for young kids. They are walking around performing mundane tasks: shopping for groceries, attending Zoom meetings, and dropping off their kids at school. And looking at them you would never know that their world is shattered and they carry with them such a deep and personal grief. They are forced to be brave and strong when they feel anything but. All of this is both tragic and inspiring. And when I feel like I can’t get out of bed, I think of these people. My Faith is Deeper Than Ever. |
 | Lauren Barrett is a multi-passionate mom working to help all people become their best selves and build positive relationships with the people around them. She has a degree in deaf education and a Master’s in Reading Education. She is a high school teacher of the Deaf and hard-of-hearing, a former cross country coach, a writer/author, and a full time mom to an amazing 5-year old. Lauren is a 3x author, including children’s book,Henry’s Hiccups, and parenting guide Now What? Mindful Checklists for Life’s Hard Parenting Moments. She is a blogger at Lauren Barrett Writes. Currently, she is grieving her loving mom’s unexpected death and devoting her time to helping people learn about grief, insomnia, and anxiety in honor of her mom. She loves her faith, running, visiting MLB stadiums with her husband, chocolate, scrapbooking, pretending she would actually do well on the Amazing Race, re-watching The Office, listening to Bobby Bones, and helping out all moms. She lives in North Carolina with her husband, James, and son, Henry. Follow her on her blog and get her free kind for sleep and anxiety, Stress Free Sleep. |
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