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KB - a boy who is a smart cookie. KB - a boy who is as smart as a whip. KB - a boy who sometimes gets smart with you. KB - a boy who plays it smart. KB - a boy who can be a smart ass. All right, I’m done smarting off. KB has long been labeled intellectually odd. Tis, ignominy has never been part of his persona, though, not on the campus of Kent State where he was busted for weed and alcohol (aye-oh, Shots fired. Certainly not the first time they’ve been directed at a Kent State student. Aye-oh. I had to run that joke back seeing as I am a runner). But that wasn’t always the case. KB’s intellect has long dominated our family dynamics. KB was a presidential aficionado at the ripe and impressionable age of 6 years old. The boy had no holes in his chief of states, minus the likes of Lincoln, Kennedy, McKinley, and Garfield. He knew they had holes and how they got them. Memorizing the presidents in order is enough to frankly pierce a young boy for eternity. He was known as the “smart one”. KB was not immune to this way of thinking. And that memory has been etched into his brain forever. “Again and again I will memorize and rattle off obscure facts, figures, and trivia,” he humbly scribbled in his Goblin journal. He took what he penned very seriously. Folks, this is a sad tale of your friend KB. One I have been hesitant to discuss, for I do not want to shame my dear brother and cast any light on any of my parents’ wrongdoing for unknowingly idolizing him. When I saw what happened to Kyle’s crossword teammates recently at the headquarters of Barstool in Chicago, Illinois, the memories I had been protecting Kyle for resurfaced and triggered an onslaught of flashbacks. Nerds. Trivia. Bathroom. The elation of victory. Cheated. Embarrassed at getting caught. No remorse. This tale was all too familiar. The Crossword Admission Scandal was another incident where Kyle felt pressured to cheat. If I didn’t speak up now, who would? And worse yet, how far would Kyle go to swindle? Lauren - Should I sit right here? Interviewer (off camera): Yes, right there. Make yourself comfortable. Thanks for coming in today. Are you ready? Lauren - I’m ready to tell this story. Screen goes dark. Lauren - I never knew how much pressure Kyle felt for being deemed “smart”. I thought he was a normal-ish boy growing up. Sure, he seemed to pore over atlases and placemats. He was keen on knowing all things. Interviewer: What things? Lauren - Well, there was the Penmanship incident. He wrote his name in perfect handwriting on the neighbor’s bed. None of the parents believed such a young boy could draft such a legible interpretation of his moniker until they broke out the pen and paper. Kyle recreated the exact same characters and letters as he did on the bed with such pride and admiration that the parents weren’t even angry. Just amazed. Then, there was the infamous Geography Bee usurping. I would rather not relive that event again. I also recall the infamous U.S.A. placemat. In kindergarten, Kyle memorized each state from sea to shining sea along with their capitals. My parents got their rocks off by making Kyle perform like a dog and pony show. Anyway, Kyle was shy and over (capital pun) joyed on being able to have something to talk about with people that they found impressive. Socializing wasn’t his thing. But my parents were willing to sacrifice their boy’s E (capital pun) brain, so it seems by the atlases, placemats, trivia books, and world record collections they bought him, to perform for friends and family. In the end, he won many scholastic awards. But his fate was sealed. Pressure was brewing in him, just like when he wrote his name. He was expected to perform at high intellectual levels. I used to scour my brain for what went wrong with Kyle, but after years of therapy, I learned that having to perform at such a high level since a young age Kyle developed crippling performance anxiety. ‘The Roosevelts and Harrisons of the president placemat did a number on your brother,’ my therapist said. ‘They, Lauren, are a symbol of all facts for Kyle since they were the first thing he memorized.’ It will take some time, but he can learn to unlearn some of those negative thoughts he has about himself, thanks to Franklins and Frankforts of the world. He needs to stop blaming himself for not knowing the answer in the heat of the moment. He needs to move forward. I’m ready to talk about the Scandal. CHECK OUT the NEW BOOK about Doug, KB, and Dead Mom on Amazon. Learn more here. Screen fades to a Black. James (Lauren’s husband) - Can you hear me okay? Is this mic working? Okay. Check. Check. Cool. What’s the Scandal? Laughs. I wasn’t there for the original one, but he tried to pull it off a second time. Dead Mom (before she died) - I didn’t want to believe that he would do that. Greg Bauer (aka Doug Wanoy and father of Lauren and Kyle) - Let the record show that I called it. Lauren - Yeah, so, we were at Tir Na Nog. My parents and Kyle were visiting me in Raleigh. We went to my Monday night run club and decided to stay afterwards for the trivia. B-roll footage of the Bauers playing trivia. Lauren - We loved playing trivia. I don’t want to brag, but we have a few accolades under our name. Kyle and James always seemed to compete for the best player. My dad knew a lot too. My mom and I were there for a good time, but both of us always came through with a clutch answer. It was your typical Raleigh summer day. Hot. The sun was beating down. But I had a cheat code for the weather with my new running tanks and shorts. I had no idea that I was about to witness cheating at its finest. Sinister music. Trivia Host - I always go over the rules beforehand. No using your phones. No shouting out the answer. The usual rules for trivia. This one was good. Like how can we prove if he cheated, right? The Run Club Moderator - I remember that family. They won for the most obscure or oddest trivia team name, but they all scurried out before they could accept their award. Greg - None of us could remember the team name. We have long discussed what it could have been in the group chat. I know Lauren and Jonette were laughing so hard they were crying. Interviewer: Are you ready? Lauren - Deep sigh. Wrings hands. Yeah. I’m ready. I feel bad exposing Kyle, but I have to. It’s what’s best. So we were doing well. We had nailed the geography category. Pop culture. TV/Movies. Religion. I’d say we were sitting pretty in the top three. At one point, I had the pen and paper. The question had stumped us. Starts pacing. Oh my, I’m so sorry. It’s all so much. Kyle’s eyes darted around the restaurant. It was a full house. An ant scurried across his foot while “Becky with the Good Hair” played as our waiting song. He nervously glanced to his front, back, and even outside where a lorry lofts linearly to the sidewalk, delivering goods and blocking Kyle’s path to the outside world. He jumped up quickly and proclaimed he had to use the bathroom. I watched live as he strong-armed his way through the crowd and tussled people out of the way like he was a knight using a lance to push the enemy away. A yellow band of sweat puddled from his underarms. “Why was he so apprehensive?” I mused. He shuffled back to the table quietly. We were still debating the answer to the question. “This sure was hard”, ingesting my beer, I said out loud. Go figure. We keep skating around the answer. It was going to come down to the end, and we were going to lose. I deflated, negating all the answers I had contributed. But out of nowhere, like a Patriot in the Revolutionary War, Kyle perked up. He was about to play his trump card. He’d been biden’ his time. “I think I know the answer,” Kyle humbly proclaimed. “I think it might be Russia.” “You think?” my mom questioned. “Well, eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a tiger by its toe. Let’s give Kyle’s answer a go.” We weren’t out of the woods yet, but we got that one right! Kyle really stepped up to bat for us and hit it out of the park. Cheating can feel good. Cheating can bring families together. All some people want is to feel the elation of winning. Kyle, the weight of succeeding did bear he? Bonds from winning were such a good feeling, right? The answer was yes. A few years later, we sat in a different bar playing trivia. It was like deja vu. Another stumped question. Kyle suspiciously had to use the bathroom at such an opportune time. My dad, no fool, caught on this time. “If he comes back knowing the answer…” And he did. I looked at him and sadly shook my head. Kyle stared at me with horror in his eyes. What had he done? But I stayed silent. I wanted to protect his image. So that’s what I did. I became his accomplice. We all laughed it off. We claimed no big deal. We altered the story to deem fit. Kyle was doing a prank. He was being funny. No one was to blame. I ran with the ruse even after witnessing how Kyle got answers on The Dozen. I spun the subterfuge even after I watched the way Kyle manhandled crossword after crossword. I sat silently for years until the right date came around, and I was ready to tell my story. My brother is not who you think he is. He suffers from crippling performance anxiety. He needs to maintain his weird brain persona image. And it has made him into a bitter man, and now he is acting up, and it shows. Now you know the truth. CHECK OUT the NEW BOOK about Doug, KB, and Dead Mom on Amazon. Learn more here. First 3 people to tip me this month will get a signed Doug Wanoy copy of Henry's Hiccups for Deaf Awareness Month. And if you're a parent, check out my parenting guide Now What? Mindful Parenting Checklists for Life’s Hard Moments.
1 Comment
Zelo
5/31/2025 01:15:22 pm
You’re a phenomenal writer Leave a Reply. |
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