Doug Wanoy’s Adventures and Other Bethlehem Scandals: Part II

Lauren Barrett

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The Bethlehem Scandals According to Syd Barrett

The beginning of the good news about KB, the son of Greg Bauer, as it is written in the prophet Jack Savage.


“I will send my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way - 
A voice of one calling in Wheeling, West Virginia, 
Prepare the way for KB, 
Make straight paths for him.”


And so Greg Bauer, the Antagonist, appeared in Wheeling, West Virginia, from New Jersey, just as his father-in-law, Jack Savage, always predicted he would, preaching of the New York Mets and Jets, Rutgers, and New Jersey. The whole Bethlehem countryside and all the people of Wheeling came to know him and learn that he was from the Garden State within two minutes of meeting him. Confessing their shoplifting thefts to him, they were metaphorically baptized by the spittle that often would fly from his mouth. Greg wore clothing of cut-off tees and baggy shorts, with no shoes on his feet, and he ate everything in sight with his mouth wide open. And this was his message, “After me comes the one more powerful than I, the buckles of his headgear I am not worthy to stoop down and unbuckle. I baptize you with inappropriate Tweets and juvenile jokes, but he will baptize you with poetic Yelp reviews, lyrical 500-character diatribes on why quarterbacks don’t deserve the vicirol they receive, and passionate prose on protocols.” 

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​Scandal One: Greg the Antagonist and the Little Children

Children often liked to come to the Bauer household to play with little Kyle. One day, Kyle wanted his friends, Derek (whom we called Noodle) and Shelton, to come over for him to place his hands on them (wrestle) and play with them. But his mom rebuked him. “I’m not going to be able to watch over you all.” 

Greg the Antagonist, who had been listening, said, “Let the little children come to me instead, and do not hinder them, for today is a good day for them to play. I will watch over them carefully.” 

The children were playing in the driveway with a Cozy Coupe. Shelton’s parents and Kyle’s mom were inside, talking. Now, this was a time long before Greg had invented his alter ego of Doug Wanoy, and a time long before cell phones distracted parents. So what Greg was doing, no one knows to this day. However, what happened next will never be forgotten. 

The boys were riding the Cozy Coupe from the top of the driveway to the bottom. The driveway was rather steep, and one wrong turn could have the autonomous automobile hurdling down the slope to the Taylor’s driveway. 

Greg was sitting on a beach chair at the top of the driveway when he saw Shelton veer off the driveway towards the Taylor’s retaining wall. Greg knew that he had to react quickly because Shelton was speeding and was dangerously close to crashing into the Taylor’s driveway. Greg sprang up and dove headfirst (there are no eyewitness testimonies besides those of 4-year-old children) to grab the back of the Cozy Coupe a split second before it crashed. Greg momentarily congratulated and prided himself for having such quick reflexes and being an excellent supervisor to young children. 

Unfortunately, though, when Greg grabbed the back of the coupe to slow the speeding car, the momentum of the brakes propelled Shelton forward, through the window, and into the pavement. 

Fearing for Shelton’s health, Greg shook aside his bruised body and pride to scoop Shelton’s mangled body from the pavement and rushed him to safety. He was taken to the ER by his parents. He didn’t have a concussion, but he did have head bruises. 

Once Shelton was stabilized and imminent death was no longer a possibility, Greg, the Antagonist, animatedly tried to protest that he, too, had almost paralyzed himself trying to be a hero, but nobody was happy with him. “What’s forgotten in history is that I almost died or was severely paralyzed myself trying to save a kid,” he persisted.

Nevertheless, the damage had been done. No one let the children come to him anymore. 

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​Scandal Two:  Greg Scares a Fear-Possessed Boy

Scottie, one of the twelve friends in the neighborhood, had a frightened disposition. This boy lived in perpetual fear of the unknown. No one could alleviate his fears. No was calm enough to subdue him. Night and day among the hills of Bethlehem, he would cry out.

That’s the reason why it came as a shock to the other eleven when Scottie agreed to camping out in the backyard of the Taylor’s house. 

On the night of the campout, the older boys piled into tents with their pillows, sleeping bags, and flashlights. 

Greg, the Antagonist, who had been spying on the boys with KB, got a devious look on his face. “Let’s go to the woods and drive these fearful demons out of Scottie once and for all,” he snickered. 

Crouched behind bramble and twig, Greg, KB, and maybe Lauren Marie transformed into ghouls, goblins, and banshees with their terrifying noises echoing through the dark sky. Inside the tents, you could see the boys start to stir from their slumber and, in their stupor, try to pinpoint the location of the terror. Unable to, they started shrieking and fleeing into the house, but Scottie, with tears streaming down his cheeks, ran all the way home.

Greg, the Antagonist, animatedly tried to protest that he was trying to be a hero and drive out the fear in Scottie, casting those demons out into the forest animals, but no one was happy with him. “What’s forgotten in history is that I almost hurt myself trying to save a kid from his own demons,” he persisted.

Nevertheless, the damage had been done. Scottie was traumatized, and no one let the children come to him anymore. 

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CHECK OUT the NEW BOOK about Doug, KB, and Dead Mom on Amazon. Learn more here. ​

​Scandal Three: Greg Helps with a Near-Death

Two houses down from the Taylor’s house lived a couple- the Lopezes. One night, there was a birthday party for him. There was a lot of drinking and dancing. There was a pretty young girl at this party who greatly pleased Joel. Even though he was married, he promised to give this girl anything she wanted. At the girl’s mother’s urging, the girl said,  “I want that head of your neighbor Greg the Antagonist on a tray.” Then, Joel regretted what he had said, but because of the vow he had made in front of his guests, he issued the necessary orders.

But Joel was so drunk and it was very late and dark out that he mistakenly took his wife for Greg the Antagonist and ended up slashing her throat very deeply and repeatedly. Somehow, the wife lived and called 911. 

The police arrived at the scene and knocked on Greg’s door. Greg had just fallen asleep after watching the Blair Witch Project and was quite baffled by the cops at his door requesting a video camera to film the scene of the crime. He managed to hand it over and was deemed a hero, according to him, for helping law enforcement with the investigation. “What’s forgotten in history is that I almost stubbed my toe in the dark trying to help with a near-death experience,” he persisted.

Nevertheless, the jokes had been settled. The Taylors and all other neighbors teased Greg for thinking he was, yet again, a hero. 


*Okay, so obviously, the first part is made up, but, yes, our neighbor, who we always thought was a nice guy, tried to kill his wife. Luckily, she survived, and he went away to prison for a long time.* 

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All of Greg’s antics paved the way for Kyle Dean (I guess that’s what we are calling him now) to perform even more outrageous farses and frolics. Greg walked, so Kyle could run. And with Kyle’s hiring at Barstool, Greg has been reborn, proving that there is eternal life in pranking, trolling, bits, and humor. Amen. ​

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L​auren Barrett is a multi-passionate mom working to help all people become their best selves and build positive relationships with the people around them. She has a degree in deaf education and a Master’s in Reading Education. She is a high school teacher of the Deaf and hard-of-hearing, a former cross country coach, a writer/author, and a full time mom to an amazing 6-year old and 5-month old. Lauren is a 3x author, including children’s book,Henry’s Hiccups, and parenting guide Now What? Mindful Checklists for Life’s Hard Parenting Moments. She is a blogger at Lauren Barrett Writes. Currently, she is grieving her loving mom’s unexpected death and devoting her time to helping people learn about grief, insomnia, and anxiety in honor of her mom. She loves her faith, running, visiting MLB stadiums with her husband, chocolate, scrapbooking, pretending she would actually do well on the Amazing Race, re-watching The Office, listening to Bobby Bones, and helping out all moms. She lives in North Carolina with her husband, James, and son, Henry. Follow her on her blog and get her free kind for sleep and anxiety, Stress Free Sleep.